funny christmas quotes and sayings of all time

funny christmas quotes and sayings of all time

Share our famous and funny christmas quotes collection.Help you to celebrate this wonderful holiday.

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• “A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.” — Anonymous

 

• “A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together” — Garrison Keillor

 

• “Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.” — Anonymous

 

• “Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know… the birth of Santa.” — Bart Simpson

 

• “Before Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, what did people do on Christmas Day?” — Anonymous

 

• “Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of ‘s.’ I suppose you could say ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘Happy New Year,’ but you probably have sh*t to do.” — Jon Stewart

 

• “Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year” — P. J. O'Rourke

 

• “Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” — Andy Borowitz

 

• “Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.” — Anonymous

 

• “Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.” — Helene-Malmsio

 

• “Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.” — Richard Lamm

 

• “Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.” — Bart Simpson

 

• “Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you''re home” — Carol Nelson

 

• “Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's money.” — Unknown

 

• “Christmas is the time when you buy presents with the money that you’ll earn only the upcoming year.” — Anonymous

 

• “Christmas without Christ is a mess.” — Jose B. Cabajar

 

• “Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.” — Tom Sims

 

• “Even as an adult I find it difficult to sleep on Christmas Eve. Yuletide excitement is potent caffeine, no matter your age” — Carrie Latet

 

• “From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it” — Katharine Whitehorn

 

• “He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree” — Roy L. Smith

 

• “Hope this article familiarised you with some funny Christmas quotes that can make your Christmas even more joyous and fun.” — Anonymous

 

• “I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. ” — Steven Wright

 

• “I never believed in Santa Claus as I was sure that no white guy would dare to come to our neighborhood after dark.” — Anonymous

 

• “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.” — Bernard Manning

 

• “I put so much thought into a present for you that now it is too late to get it.” — Anonymous

 

• “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.  Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.” — Shirley Temple

 

• “I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.” — Anonymous

 

“If you feel Christmas bells in your ass, you’d better let them out.” — Anonymous

• “If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 years, you’re able to demonstrate this is the gift you wanted to receive for 1 minute.” — Anonymous

 

• “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.” — Bridger Winegar

 

• “Let’s just say that on this day, a million years ago, a dude was born who most of us think was magic. But others don’t, and that’s cool. But we’re probably right. Amen. ” — Homer Simpson

 

• “Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” — Johnny Carson

 

• “Merry Christmas, Nearly Everybody!” — Ogden Nash

 

• “My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.” — Melanie White

 

• “Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree.In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” — Larry Wilde

 

• “Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.” — Anonymous

 

• “Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.” — Kin Hubbard

 

• “Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” — Dave Barry

 

• “One good thing about Christmas shopping. It toughens you up for the January sales.” — Anonymous

 

• “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” — Victor Borge

 

• “Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.” — Dennis Miller

 

• “Santa saw your Facebook photo – now he knows he‘s going give you some clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.” — Anonymous

 

• “That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.” — Jerry Seinfeld

 

• “The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.” — Benjamin Franklin

 

• “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” — George Carlin

 

• “The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband” — Joan Rivers

 

• “The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” — Jay Leno

 

• “The vocabulary of the daughter was getting richer and richer when the father was decorating Christmas-tree.” — Anonymous

 

• “There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus” — Bob Phillips

 

• “There has been only one Christmas, the rest are anniversaries” — W. J. Cameron

 

• “There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.” — P.J. O’Rourke

 

• “There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child” — Erna Bombeck

 

• “We have a tradition with our friends – we go out on 25th of December and we don’t go out the next day.” — Anonymous

 

• “Were it not for the shepherds, there would have been no reception. And were it not for a group of stargazers, there would have been no gifts” — Max Lucado

 

• “What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.” — Anonymous

 

• “When Santa Claus heard that you‘ve been good this year, he died laughing.” — Anonymous

 

• “When you stop believing in Santa Claus, you start getting underwear and socks as Christmas presents.” — Anonymous

 

• “Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.” — Anonymous

 

• “Wish your birthday and Christmas presents not be combined.” — Anonymous

 

• “You do the whole job, but that fat guy in a red costume gets all the merit.” — Anonymous

 

• “You don’t need Visa when you’ve got Santa! You don’t need Santa when you’ve got Visa! Who needs Santa when you’ve got Grandma!” — Anonymous

 

• “You know you're getting old, when Santa starts looking younger.” — Robert Paul