What is favorite Jack Handey Deep Thoughts best quotations and sayings

What is favorite Jack Handey Deep Thoughts best quotations and sayings?

Jack Handey quotes

Jack Handey is an American humorist. He is best known for his Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

“As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.” — jack handy quotes


“Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.” — jack handy quotes


“Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.” — jack handy quotes


“Home is where the house is.” — jack handy quotes


“I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. ” — jack handy quotes


“I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?” — jack handy quotes


“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.” — jack handy quotes


“I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.” — jack handy quotes


“I hope that when I die, people say about me, 'Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money.' ” — jack handy quotes


“I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.” — jack handy quotes


“I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.” — jack handy quotes


“If I'm ever in a war, I'll shoot a water gun at the enemy and hope they realize how stupid the whole idea of war is. And when they are thinking about it, I'll throw a grenade at them.” — jack handy quotes


“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.” — jack handy quotes


“If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com.” — jack handy quotes


“If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, 'I swallowed it. So sue me.” — jack handy quotes


“If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.” — jack handy quotes


“It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.” — jack handy quotes


“It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man and an ever bigger man to ask why he is laughing.” — jack handy quotes


“It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.” — jack handy quotes


“It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.” — jack handy quotes


“Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.” — jack handy quotes


“My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth–that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally–but I didn't want to upset him.” — jack handy quotes


“Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.” — jack handy quotes


“The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.” — jack handy quotes


“The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"” — jack handy quotes


“The other day I got out my can-opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, What am I doing?! ” — jack handy quotes


“The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around in it until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go hey, I'm Vine Man. ” — jack handy quotes


“To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.” — jack handy quotes


“We all used to laugh when grandpa would head down to the ole fishing hole, but then we wouldn't laugh when he would come back from town with some ole whore.” — jack handy quotes


“When I die, I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandpa did. Not like the screaming passengers in his car.” — jack handy quotes


“When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.” — jack handy quotes


“Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.” — jack handy quotes


“Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?” — jack handy quotes

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