Steven wright quotes,Top 50 steven wright quotes compilation
Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American comedian, actor and writer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations. (via:wikipedia)
1.
[Referring to a glass of water…] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don’t trust anybody! – steven wright
2.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour. – steven wright
3.
24-hour banking? I haven't got time for that. – steven wright
4.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. – steven wright
5.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. – steven wright
6.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. You didn't borrow this. I will. — Steven Wright
7.
A child's mind is a terrible thing, … not to fuck with! – steven wright
8.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. – steven wright
9.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. – steven wright
10.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. – steven wright
11.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it' – steven wright
12.
A fool and his money are soon partying. – steven wright
13.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and………..ooooohhhhhh, that's much better… – steven wright
14.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.– Steven Wright
15.
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?– Stephen Wright
16.
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store… with a pricing gun… She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store… – steven wright
17.
All the plants in my house are dead—I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes. — Steven Wright
18.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. – steven wright
19.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. – steven wright
20.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life! – steven wright
21.
Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas? – steven wright
22.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. – steven wright
23.
Black holes are where God divided by zero. – steven wright
24.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back. – steven wright
25.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! – steven wright
26.
Change is inevitable… except from vending machines. – steven wright
27.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.– Steven Wright
28.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.— Steven Wright
29.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. – steven wright
30.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. – steven wright
31.
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID? – steven wright
32.
Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.– Stephen Wright
33.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? – steven wright
34.
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, Go ahead, touch it…it feels real. — Steven Wright
35.
Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill. — Steven Wright
36.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.— Steven Wright
37.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. – steven wright
38.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. – steven wright
39.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes. — Steven Wright
40.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it… – steven wright
41.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.– Stephen Wright
42.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. – steven wright
43.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. – steven wright
44.
For a while I didn't have a car…I had a helicopter…no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running…[slow glance upward]– Steven Wright
45.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. – steven wright
46.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier…I put them in the same room and let them fight it out… – steven wright
47.
Four years ago…………..no, it was yesterday. – steven wright
48.
Half the people you know are below average. – steven wright
49.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. – steven wright
50.
Having sex with (name) is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match… – steven wright
