Hottest 50 funny quotes collection of all time,50 amusing sayings and quotations.
1.
Coffee isn't my cup of tea. ~ Samuel Goldwyn
2.
Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work. ~ Will Rogers
3.
Congratulations to American Astronaut Shannon Lucid, she now holds the American record for most time in space. Of course, the old record was held by Jerry Garcia."- Spaceballs
4.
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. ~ Spike Milligan
5.
Crime doesn't pay… does that mean my job is a crime? – Author Unknown
6.
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. ~ Brendan Behan
7.
Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire. ~ George Bernard Shaw
8.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.–Sue Murphy
9.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock. ~ Will Rogers
10.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house. ~ Henny Youngman
11.
Don't be so humble – you are not that great.- Golda Meir
12.
Don't have a cow, man.- Bart Simpson
13.
Don't judge a book by its movie. – Author Unknown
14.
Don't keep a man guessing too long – he's sure to find the answer somewhere else. ~ Mae West
15.
Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love. ~ Woody Allen
16.
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you. ~ Groucho Marx
17.
Don't marry a man to reform him – that's what reform schools are for. ~ Mae West
18.
Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents
19.
Don't talk to me about Naval tradition! It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash. ~ Winston Churchill
20.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice. – Author Unknown
21
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~Charles Schulz
22.
Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender. ~ Homer Simpson
23.
Donuts. Is there anything they can't do? ~ Homer Simpson
24.
Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland – rich and thick. ~ Samuel Beckett
25.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. ~Carl Zwanzig
26.
Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. ~ John Benfield
27.
Eat my shorts. ~ Bart Simpson
28.
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway – Author Unknown
29.
English – Who needs that? I'm never going to England! ~ Homer Simpson
30.
Epitaph for a dead waiter – God finally caught his eye. ~ George S. Kaufman
31.
Eternity is really long, especially near the end. ~ Woody Allen
32.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. ~ Will Rogers
33.
Evening news: Where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. – Author Unknown
34.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.- Robert Orben
35.
Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do. ~ Voltaire
36.
Every man over forty is a scoundrel. ~ George Bernard Shaw
37.
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. ~ Charles D. Warner
38.
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. – Author Unknown
39.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. ~ Will Rogers
40.
Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes. ~ Oscar Wilde
41.
First law on holes – when you're in one, stop digging. ~ Denis Healey
42.
Football is all very well a good game for rough girls, but not for delicate boys. ~ Oscar Wilde
43.
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have. ~ Woody Allen
44.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. ~ John F. Kennedy
45.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. ~ Groucho Marx
46.
Give a man a free hand and he'll try to put it all over you. ~ Mae West
47.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet! ~ Saint Augustine
48.
Giving up smoking is easy. I've done it hundreds of times. ~ Author Unknown
49.
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere. ~ Mae West
50.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. ~ Will Rogers
