Hottest 50 funny quotes collection of all time,50 amusing sayings and quotations

Hottest 50 funny quotes collection of all time,50 amusing sayings and quotations.

1.
Coffee isn't my cup of tea. ~ Samuel Goldwyn 

2.
Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work. ~ Will Rogers

3.
Congratulations to American Astronaut Shannon Lucid, she now holds the American record for most time in space. Of course, the old record was held by Jerry Garcia."- Spaceballs

4.
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. ~ Spike Milligan

5.
Crime doesn't pay… does that mean my job is a crime? – Author Unknown

6.
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. ~ Brendan Behan

7.
Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire. ~ George Bernard Shaw

8.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.–Sue Murphy

9.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock. ~ Will Rogers

10.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house. ~ Henny Youngman

11.
Don't be so humble – you are not that great.- Golda Meir

12.
Don't have a cow, man.- Bart Simpson

13.
Don't judge a book by its movie. – Author Unknown

14.
Don't keep a man guessing too long – he's sure to find the answer somewhere else. ~ Mae West

15.
Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love. ~ Woody Allen

16.
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you. ~ Groucho Marx

17.
Don't marry a man to reform him – that's what reform schools are for. ~ Mae West

18.
Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents

19.
Don't talk to me about Naval tradition! It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash. ~ Winston Churchill

20.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice. – Author Unknown

21
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~Charles Schulz

22.
Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender. ~ Homer Simpson

23.
Donuts. Is there anything they can't do? ~ Homer Simpson

24.
Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland – rich and thick. ~ Samuel Beckett

25.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. ~Carl Zwanzig

26.
Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. ~ John Benfield

27.
Eat my shorts. ~ Bart Simpson

28.
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway – Author Unknown

29.
English – Who needs that? I'm never going to England! ~ Homer Simpson

30.
Epitaph for a dead waiter – God finally caught his eye. ~ George S. Kaufman

31.
Eternity is really long, especially near the end. ~ Woody Allen

32.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. ~ Will Rogers

33.
Evening news: Where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. – Author Unknown

34.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.- Robert Orben

35.
Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do. ~ Voltaire

36.
Every man over forty is a scoundrel. ~ George Bernard Shaw

37.
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. ~ Charles D. Warner

38.
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. – Author Unknown

39.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. ~ Will Rogers

40.
Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes. ~ Oscar Wilde

41.
First law on holes – when you're in one, stop digging. ~ Denis Healey

42.
Football is all very well a good game for rough girls, but not for delicate boys. ~ Oscar Wilde

43.
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have. ~ Woody Allen

44.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. ~ John F. Kennedy

45.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. ~ Groucho Marx

46.
Give a man a free hand and he'll try to put it all over you. ~ Mae West

47.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet! ~ Saint Augustine

48.
Giving up smoking is easy. I've done it hundreds of times. ~ Author Unknown

49.
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere. ~ Mae West

50.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. ~ Will Rogers