Great 35 steven wright quotes compilation

steven wright quotes

steven wright quotes

steven wright quotes

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle. — Steven Wright

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today. I said Oops . . . – steven wright

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger. – steven wright

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. – steven wright

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up….. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it. – steven wright


I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.You couldn't park anywhere near the place.– Steven Wright

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2 taller.– Stephen Wright

I was an only child, eventually. – steven wright

I was born by Ceasarian Section … but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. – steven wright

I was Caesarian born…can't tell…except every time I leave a room, I go out through the window. – steven wright


I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour? Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long… — Steven Wright

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel. – steven wright

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, Hey, these records are all blank. – steven wright


I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? He said, I don't know. I said, I don't want your job.— Steven Wright


I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.We're surrounded. — Steven Wright


I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said pet supplies. So I did.Then I went outside and saw a sign that said compact cars.– Steven Wright

I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything. – steven wright

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.So I said, Got any shoes you're not using? — Steven Wright

I was skydiving horizontally – steven wright


I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.– Stephen Wright

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. – steven wright

I was watching the superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better. – steven wright


I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.– Steven Wright

I washed mud off of mud. – steven wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. — Steven Wright

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.– Steven Wright

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.– Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, Hey, the sign says you're open 24-hours. He said, Yea, but not in a row. – steven wright

I went fishing with Rod Ewert. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. – steven wright

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, The whole time. – steven wright

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, Hey, you have two different colored socks on. I said, Yeah, I know,but to me they're the same because I go by thickness. — Steven Wright

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. What are you making? A salt lick. — Steven Wright


I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5's. The clerk said,ten-four. — Steven Wright

I went to a fancy french restaurant called Deja Vu. The headwaiter said,Don't I know you? — Steven Wright

I went to a garage sale. How much for the garage? It's not for sale.– Steven Wright

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