Funniest top 40 famous quotes compilation,best 40 funny quotes by famous authors

Funniest top 40 famous quotes compilation,best 40 funny quotes by famous authors

1.
All generalizations are bad. ~R.H. Grenier

2.
All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought. ~Robert Brault

3.
All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening. ~ Alexander Woollcott

4.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his. ~ Oscar Wilde 

5.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. ~ Mark Twain 

6.
Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed. ~ Winston Churchill

7.
Always do right – this will gratify some and astonish the rest. ~ Mark Twain

8.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much. ~ Oscar Wilde

9.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.- Yogi Berra

10.
Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out. – Author Unknown

11.
America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks.- Barrymore.

12.
An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault. ~William Castle

13.
An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away. ~ Mae West

14.
And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!" ~Author Unknown

15.
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. ~ Woody Allen

16.
Another such victory, and we are undone. ~ Pyrrhus

17.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. ~George Ade

18.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. ~ Groucho Marx

19.
Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. ~ Mae West

20.
As I may or may not say to the Lord on Judgment Day, "You ask a lot of questions for someone who has so much explaining to do." ~Robert Brault

21.
As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.- Dick Cavett

22.
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" – probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. ~ Woody Allen

23.
As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around. ~Robert Brault

24.
Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs. ~ Oliver Goldsmith

25.
Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them. ~ David Brent

26.
Bart, stop pestering Satan! ~ Marge Simpson

27.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love! ~ Homer Simpson

28.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. ~ Woody Allen

29.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ~ Mark Twain

30.
Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. ~ Benjamin Franklin

31.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. ~Jack Handey

32.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. ~ Mae West

33.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female. ~ Desmond Morris

34.
But a lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth. ~ George Bernard Shaw

35.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~ Socrates

36.
Calm down. It's only ones and zeros. – Author Unknown

37.
Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown. ~Woody Allen

38.
Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannise their teachers. ~ Socrates

39.
Children really brighten up a household – they never turn the lights off. ~ Ralph Bus

40.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. ~ Mark Twain