Famous 28 steven wright quotes

steven wright quotes

steven wright quotes 8

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness. — Steven Wright


My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.— Steven Wright

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, … – steven wright

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour. — Steven Wright

OK, so what's the speed of dark? – steven wright

On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs. – steven wright


On the other hand, you have different fingers…– Stephen Wright

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl… I sat beside her. I said, Hi, and she said, Hi, and then I said, Nice day, isn't it?, and she said, I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem. So I asked, What's the problem? She replied, I can't tell you. I don't even know you… I said, Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus. So she said, Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys… by the way, my name is Denise. I said, Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein… – steven wright

One day, when I came home from work, I accidently put my car key in the door of my apartment building… I turned it… and the whole building started up…. So I drove it around…. A policeman stopped me for going to fast… He said, 'Where do you live?'… I said, 'Right here'… Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway. – steven wright


One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish.My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world. — Steven Wright

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, Didn't you see the stop sign? I said, Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.– Steven Wright


One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. — Steven Wright

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. – steven wright


Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. – steven wright


Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vue at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. – steven wright

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.– Steven Wright


Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. – steven wright


Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? – steven wright


Smoking cures weight problems… eventually. – steven wright


So, do you live around here often?– Stephen Wright


Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK. – steven wright


Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears… I think George is weird, because he has false teeth… with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge… you can't hear him talk. – steven wright


Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.On the back it said, Wish you were here.– Steven Wright


Sometimes I…No, I don't. – steven wright


Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. — Steven Wright

Support bacteria – they're the only culture some people have. – steven wright


The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.– Stephen Wright

The colder the X-Ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. – steven wright

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