Enjoy huge collection of best 66 funny quotes by famous authors, comedians and more
1.
I like a man who's good, but not too good – for the good die young, and I hate a dead one. ~ Mae West
2.
I like children – fried. ~ W.C. Fields
3.
I like my beer cold…my TV loud…and my homosexuals flaming. ~ Homer Simpson
4.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. ~ Rita Rudner
5.
I love everything about you. Your lips, your eyes, your voice. The only thing I can't stand is you. ~ Groucho Marx
6.
I love mankind. It's people I can't stand. ~ Charles M Schultz
7.
I must be wishing on someone else's star because it seems someone else is always getting what I wished for. – Author Unknown
8.
I never drink water, fish fuck in it. ~ W.C. Fields
9.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. ~ Groucho Marx
10.
I never loved another person the way I loved myself. ~ Mae West
11.
I never met a kid I liked. ~ W.C. Fields
12.
I often take exercise. Why only yesterday I had breakfast in bed. ~ Oscar Wilde
13.
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: no good in a bed, but fine up
against a wall. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
14.
I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once – all is discovered.' They all left town immediately. ~ Mark Twain
15.
I only know how to do things 3 ways: the WRONG way. the RIGHT way. and MY way. Which is really the WRONG way, only faster! – Author Unknown
16.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good. ~Author Unknown
17.
I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over. ~ Woody Allen
18.
I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher – they are going to make a board game out of it. ~ Woody Allen
19.
I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics. ~ Woody Allen
20.
I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work. ~ David Brent
21.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. ~ Woody Allen
22.
I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit. – Author Unknown
23.
I tried to think but nothing happened!- Curly
24.
I used to be Snow White…but I drifted. ~ Mae West
25.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. ~Author Unknown
26.
I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants. ~Dave Beard
27.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. ~ Will Shriner
28.
I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number
3: It was like that when I got here. ~ Homer Simpson
29.
I was married by a judge – I should have asked for a jury. ~ George Burns
30.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile, women shave on Saturday and most especially never to shave a Gentile woman on
Saturday. ~ Woody Allen
31.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy. ~ Woody Allen
32.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.- Stephen Wright
33.
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. ~ Woody Allen
34.
I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate. ~ George Burns
35.
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. ~John Kenneth Galbraith
36.
If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried. ~ David Brent
37.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no sense being a damn fool about it. ~ W. C. Fields
38.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? ~Author Unknown
39.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?- Abraham Lincoln
40.
If it sells, it's art. ~ Frank Lloyd
41.
If only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once, anything, one sentence, two words. If He would just cough. ~ Woody Allen
42.
If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers. ~ Homer Simpson
43.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. – Author Unknown
44.
If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.- Dan Quayle
45.
If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves. ~ David Brent
46.
If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation. ~ David Brent
47.
If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. ~Elbert Hubbard
48.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. ~ Mark Twain
49.
If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey." ~Robert Brault
50.
If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.- Dick Cavett
51.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.- Frank Lloyd Wright
52.
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
53.
I'm normal. It's everyone else that's weird. – Author Unknown
54.
Im not as think as you drunk i am. – Author Unknown
55.
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.- Dolph
Sharp
56.
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.- Darrin Weinberg
57.
It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term. ~Mark Twain
58.
It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours. ~ Harry S. Truman
59.
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. ~Author Unknown
60.
It's not that I'm a Type?B personality. It's that I'm driven by a passionate, all-consuming desire to take it easy. ~Robert Brault
61.
I've been seeing spots in front of my eyes. – Author Unknown
62.
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.- Elayne Boosler
63.
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. ~Colin Sautar
64.
Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. ~Author Unknown
65.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.- Tommy Cooper
66.
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. ~Rita Mae Brown
