Enjoy huge collection of best 66 funny quotes by famous authors, comedians and more

1.
I like a man who's good, but not too good – for the good die young, and I hate a dead one. ~ Mae West

2.
I like children – fried. ~ W.C. Fields

3.
I like my beer cold…my TV loud…and my homosexuals flaming. ~ Homer Simpson

4.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. ~ Rita Rudner

5.
I love everything about you. Your lips, your eyes, your voice. The only thing I can't stand is you. ~ Groucho Marx

6.
I love mankind. It's people I can't stand. ~ Charles M Schultz

7.
I must be wishing on someone else's star because it seems someone else is always getting what I wished for. – Author Unknown

8.
I never drink water, fish fuck in it. ~ W.C. Fields

9.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. ~ Groucho Marx

10.
I never loved another person the way I loved myself. ~ Mae West

11.
I never met a kid I liked. ~ W.C. Fields

12.
I often take exercise. Why only yesterday I had breakfast in bed. ~ Oscar Wilde

13.
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: no good in a bed, but fine up

against a wall. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

14.
I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once – all is discovered.' They all left town immediately. ~ Mark Twain

15.
I only know how to do things 3 ways: the WRONG way. the RIGHT way. and MY way. Which is really the WRONG way, only faster! – Author Unknown

16.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good. ~Author Unknown

17.
I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over. ~ Woody Allen

18.
I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher – they are going to make a board game out of it. ~ Woody Allen

19.
I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics. ~ Woody Allen

20.
I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work. ~ David Brent

21.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. ~ Woody Allen

22.
I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit. – Author Unknown

23.
I tried to think but nothing happened!- Curly

24.
I used to be Snow White…but I drifted. ~ Mae West

25.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. ~Author Unknown

26.
I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants. ~Dave Beard

27.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. ~ Will Shriner

28.
I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number

3: It was like that when I got here. ~ Homer Simpson

29.
I was married by a judge – I should have asked for a jury. ~ George Burns

30.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile, women shave on Saturday and most especially never to shave a Gentile woman on

Saturday. ~ Woody Allen

31.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy. ~ Woody Allen

32.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.- Stephen Wright

33.
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. ~ Woody Allen

34.
I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate. ~ George Burns

35.
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. ~John Kenneth Galbraith

36.
If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried. ~ David Brent

37.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no sense being a damn fool about it. ~ W. C. Fields

38.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? ~Author Unknown

39.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?- Abraham Lincoln

40.
If it sells, it's art. ~ Frank Lloyd

41.
If only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once, anything, one sentence, two words. If He would just cough. ~ Woody Allen

42.
If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers. ~ Homer Simpson

43.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. – Author Unknown

44.
If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.- Dan Quayle

45.
If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves. ~ David Brent

46.
If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation. ~ David Brent

47.
If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. ~Elbert Hubbard

48.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. ~ Mark Twain

49.
If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey." ~Robert Brault

50.
If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.- Dick Cavett

51.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.- Frank Lloyd Wright

52.
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

53.
I'm normal. It's everyone else that's weird. – Author Unknown

54.
Im not as think as you drunk i am. – Author Unknown

55.
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.- Dolph

Sharp

56.
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.- Darrin Weinberg

57.
It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term. ~Mark Twain

58.
It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours. ~ Harry S. Truman

59.
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. ~Author Unknown

60.
It's not that I'm a Type?B personality. It's that I'm driven by a passionate, all-consuming desire to take it easy. ~Robert Brault

61.
I've been seeing spots in front of my eyes. – Author Unknown

62.
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.- Elayne Boosler

63.
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. ~Colin Sautar

64.
Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. ~Author Unknown

65.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.- Tommy Cooper

66.
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. ~Rita Mae Brown