Enjoy huge collection of best 66 funny quotes by famous authors, comedians and more

Enjoy huge collection of best 66 funny quotes by famous authors, comedians and more

Enjoy huge collection of best 66 funny quotes by famous authors, comedians and more

1.
I like a man who's good, but not too good – for the good die young, and I hate a dead one. ~ Mae West


2.
I like children – fried. ~ W.C. Fields


3.
I like my beer cold…my TV loud…and my homosexuals flaming. ~ Homer Simpson


4.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. ~ Rita Rudner


5.
I love everything about you. Your lips, your eyes, your voice. The only thing I can't stand is you. ~ Groucho Marx


6.
I love mankind. It's people I can't stand. ~ Charles M Schultz


7.
I must be wishing on someone else's star because it seems someone else is always getting what I wished for. – Author Unknown


8.
I never drink water, fish fuck in it. ~ W.C. Fields


9.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. ~ Groucho Marx


10.
I never loved another person the way I loved myself. ~ Mae West


11.
I never met a kid I liked. ~ W.C. Fields


12.
I often take exercise. Why only yesterday I had breakfast in bed. ~ Oscar Wilde


13.
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: no good in a bed, but fine up 

against a wall. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt


14.
I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once – all is discovered.' They all left town immediately. ~ Mark Twain


15.
I only know how to do things 3 ways: the WRONG way. the RIGHT way. and MY way. Which is really the WRONG way, only faster! – Author Unknown


16.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good. ~Author Unknown


17.
I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over. ~ Woody Allen


18.
I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher – they are going to make a board game out of it. ~ Woody Allen


19.
I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics. ~ Woody Allen


20.
I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work. ~ David Brent


21.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. ~ Woody Allen


22.
I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit. – Author Unknown


23.
I tried to think but nothing happened!- Curly


24.
I used to be Snow White…but I drifted. ~ Mae West


25.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. ~Author Unknown


26.
I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants. ~Dave Beard


27.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. ~ Will Shriner 


28.
I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 

3: It was like that when I got here. ~ Homer Simpson


29.
I was married by a judge – I should have asked for a jury. ~ George Burns


30.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile, women shave on Saturday and most especially never to shave a Gentile woman on 

Saturday. ~ Woody Allen


31.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy. ~ Woody Allen


32.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.- Stephen Wright


33.
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. ~ Woody Allen


34.
I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate. ~ George Burns


35.
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. ~John Kenneth Galbraith


36.
If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried. ~ David Brent


37.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no sense being a damn fool about it. ~ W. C. Fields


38.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? ~Author Unknown


39.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?- Abraham Lincoln


40.
If it sells, it's art. ~ Frank Lloyd


41.
If only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once, anything, one sentence, two words. If He would just cough. ~ Woody Allen


42.
If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers. ~ Homer Simpson


43.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. – Author Unknown


44.
If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.- Dan Quayle


45.
If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves. ~ David Brent


46.
If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation. ~ David Brent


47.
If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. ~Elbert Hubbard


48.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. ~ Mark Twain


49.
If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey." ~Robert Brault


50.
If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.- Dick Cavett


51.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.- Frank Lloyd Wright


52.
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor 


53.
I'm normal. It's everyone else that's weird. – Author Unknown


54.
Im not as think as you drunk i am. – Author Unknown


55.
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.- Dolph 

Sharp


56.
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.- Darrin Weinberg


57.
It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term. ~Mark Twain


58.
It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours. ~ Harry S. Truman 


59.
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. ~Author Unknown


60.
It's not that I'm a Type?B personality. It's that I'm driven by a passionate, all-consuming desire to take it easy. ~Robert Brault


61.
I've been seeing spots in front of my eyes. – Author Unknown


62.
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.- Elayne Boosler


63.
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. ~Colin Sautar


64.
Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. ~Author Unknown


65.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.- Tommy Cooper


66.
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. ~Rita Mae Brown

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