collection of over 60 amazingly funny quotations that will make you laugh

collection of over 60 amazingly funny quotations that will make you laugh

1.
'Goodness, what beautiful diamonds!' 'Goodness had nothing to do with it'. ~ Mae West

2.
H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd! – Author Unknown

3.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. ~ Woody Allen

4.
He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That clearly points to a political career. ~ George Bernard Shaw

5.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. ~ Groucho Marx

6.
He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs. ~Torvald Gahlin

7.
He who can does. He who cannot, teaches. ~ George Bernard Shaw

8.
He who hesitates is a damned fool. ~ Mae West

9.
He who hesitates is last. ~ Mae West

10.
He who sleeps on the floor will not fall off the bed.- Robert Gronock.

11.
Hell is full of musical amateurs: music is the brandy of the damned. ~ George Bernard Shaw

12.
Here's to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems. ~ Homer Simpson

13.
He's so optimistic he'd buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants. ~ Chuck Tanner 

14.
He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of. ~ Mae West

15.
He's the kind of man who picks his friends – to pieces. ~ Mae West

16.
He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed. ~Harry Kalas

17.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. ~ Woody Allen

18.
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. ~ Mae West

19.
Home is the girl's prison and the woman's workhouse. ~ George Bernard Shaw

20.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? ~ Woody Allen

21.
How come there's only one Monopolies Commission? ~Nigel Rees

22.
How do the angels get to sleep when the devil leaves the porch light on? ~Tom Waits

23.
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. ~ Charles Lamb

24.
I always say, keep a diary and some day it'll keep you. ~ Mae West

25.
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

26.
I am at two with nature. ~ Woody Allen

27.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. ~ W.C. Fields

28.
I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop. ~ Noel Coward

29.
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. – Author Unknown

30.
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. ~ Joan Rivers

31.
I date this girl for two years-and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name…" – Author Unknown

32.
I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British. ~ Woody Allen

33.
I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear. ~ Woody Allen

34.
I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof! – Author Unknown

35.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.- Katherine Cebrian

36.
I don't feel old – I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~ Bob Hope

37.
I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'-Bruce Baum

38.
I don't know a lot about politics, but I can recognise a good party man when I see one. ~ Mae West

39.
I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they terrify me. ~ Duke of Wellington

40.
I don't like myself, I'm crazy about myself. ~ Mae West

41.
I don't think sex could ever be as rewarding as winning the World Cup. It's not that sex is not great; just that the World Cup is only every four years and sex is a lot more ,regular than that. ~ Ronaldo

42.
I don't want to achieve i mmortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. ~ Woody Allen

43.
I drink therefore I am. ~ W.C. Fields

44.
I exercise extreme self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. ~ W. C. Fields

45.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning that's as good as they're going to feel all day. ~ Frank Sinatra

46.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. ~ Mae West

47.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. ~ Woody Allen

48.
I have always felt a gift diamond shines so much better than one you buy for yourself. ~ Mae West

49.
I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's. ~ Woody Allen

50.
I have made an important discovery…that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effects of intoxication. ~ Oscar Wilde

51.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. ~ Mark Twain

52.
I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting. ~ Mark Twain

53.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.- Thomas Alva Edison

54.
I have nothing to declare except my genius. ~ Oscar Wilde

55.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. ~Elayne Boosler

56.
I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. ~ Winston Churchill

57.
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. ~ Spike Milligan

58.
I just love Chinese food. My favorite dish is number 27. ~ Clement Atlee

59.
I knew it! I'm surrounded by assholes! – Author Unknown

60.
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. ~Fred Allen