collection of over 60 amazingly funny quotations that will make you laugh
1.
'Goodness, what beautiful diamonds!' 'Goodness had nothing to do with it'. ~ Mae West
2.
H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd! – Author Unknown
3.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. ~ Woody Allen
4.
He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That clearly points to a political career. ~ George Bernard Shaw
5.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. ~ Groucho Marx
6.
He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs. ~Torvald Gahlin
7.
He who can does. He who cannot, teaches. ~ George Bernard Shaw
8.
He who hesitates is a damned fool. ~ Mae West
9.
He who hesitates is last. ~ Mae West
10.
He who sleeps on the floor will not fall off the bed.- Robert Gronock.
11.
Hell is full of musical amateurs: music is the brandy of the damned. ~ George Bernard Shaw
12.
Here's to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems. ~ Homer Simpson
13.
He's so optimistic he'd buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants. ~ Chuck Tanner
14.
He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of. ~ Mae West
15.
He's the kind of man who picks his friends – to pieces. ~ Mae West
16.
He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed. ~Harry Kalas
17.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. ~ Woody Allen
18.
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. ~ Mae West
19.
Home is the girl's prison and the woman's workhouse. ~ George Bernard Shaw
20.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? ~ Woody Allen
21.
How come there's only one Monopolies Commission? ~Nigel Rees
22.
How do the angels get to sleep when the devil leaves the porch light on? ~Tom Waits
23.
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. ~ Charles Lamb
24.
I always say, keep a diary and some day it'll keep you. ~ Mae West
25.
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
26.
I am at two with nature. ~ Woody Allen
27.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. ~ W.C. Fields
28.
I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop. ~ Noel Coward
29.
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. – Author Unknown
30.
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. ~ Joan Rivers
31.
I date this girl for two years-and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name…" – Author Unknown
32.
I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British. ~ Woody Allen
33.
I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear. ~ Woody Allen
34.
I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof! – Author Unknown
35.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.- Katherine Cebrian
36.
I don't feel old – I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~ Bob Hope
37.
I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'-Bruce Baum
38.
I don't know a lot about politics, but I can recognise a good party man when I see one. ~ Mae West
39.
I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they terrify me. ~ Duke of Wellington
40.
I don't like myself, I'm crazy about myself. ~ Mae West
41.
I don't think sex could ever be as rewarding as winning the World Cup. It's not that sex is not great; just that the World Cup is only every four years and sex is a lot more ,regular than that. ~ Ronaldo
42.
I don't want to achieve i mmortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. ~ Woody Allen
43.
I drink therefore I am. ~ W.C. Fields
44.
I exercise extreme self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. ~ W. C. Fields
45.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning that's as good as they're going to feel all day. ~ Frank Sinatra
46.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. ~ Mae West
47.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. ~ Woody Allen
48.
I have always felt a gift diamond shines so much better than one you buy for yourself. ~ Mae West
49.
I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's. ~ Woody Allen
50.
I have made an important discovery…that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effects of intoxication. ~ Oscar Wilde
51.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. ~ Mark Twain
52.
I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting. ~ Mark Twain
53.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.- Thomas Alva Edison
54.
I have nothing to declare except my genius. ~ Oscar Wilde
55.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. ~Elayne Boosler
56.
I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. ~ Winston Churchill
57.
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. ~ Spike Milligan
58.
I just love Chinese food. My favorite dish is number 27. ~ Clement Atlee
59.
I knew it! I'm surrounded by assholes! – Author Unknown
60.
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. ~Fred Allen
