Best 98 bill hicks quotes compilation

Best 98 bill hicks quotes compilation

bill hicks quotes

1.
I'm tired of this back-slapping Isn't humanity neat? bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are. ~Bill Hicks


2.
I'm talking metaphorically about America, all right? Not y'all. I give y'all more credit. I assume that you're enjoying this. ~Bill Hicks


3.
I'm sorry if anyone here is Catholic–uh…I'm not sorry if you're offended…just the fact that you're Catholic. ~Bill Hicks


4.
I'm so sick of arming the world, then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries, then we go and blow the shit out of them. We're like the bullies of the world, y'know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the pistol at the sheepherder's feet. ~Bill Hicks


5.
I'm smoking and you come up coughing at me. Jesus! You go up to crippled people dancin', too, you fucks? ~Bill Hicks


6.
I'm kind of bummed because I'm missing right now … my favorite cultural train wreck: 'The Tonight Show with Jay Leno'. ~Bill Hicks


7.
I'm just trying to rid the world of all these fevered egos that are tainting our collective unconscious… ~Bill Hicks


8.
I'm just skin covering coffee and some real nervous teeth. ~Bill Hicks


9.
I'm just saying if you're gonna have a war against drugs, have 'em against all drugs, including alcohol…or shut the fuck up! ~Bill Hicks


10.
I'm Bill Hicks and I'm dead now…Cigarettes didn't kill me. A bunch of nonsmokers kicked the shit out of me one night. ~Bill Hicks


11.
I'm an American who loves an America which doesn't exist, which is a land of freedom and free ideas. ~Bill Hicks


12.
I'm amusing people one at a time here tonight…I'm amazed at the restraint of the rest of you till your time comes up. ~Bill Hicks


13.
I'll tell you who the threat to the status quo is in this country. It's us. That's why they…keep you afraid…impotent. ~Bill Hicks


14.
I'll tell you how to solve this abortion thing…Those unwanted babies…? Leave about 12 of them on the Supreme Court steps. ~Bill Hicks


15.
I'll see you all in Heaven, where we can really share a great laugh together…forever and ever…and ever. With love, Bill Hicks.


16.
If you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, then go home and burn all your records, all your tapes, and all your CDs because every one of those artists who have made brilliant music and enhanced your lives? RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrEAL fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few songs. ~Bill Hicks


17.
If you are living for tomorrow, you will always be one day behind. ~Bill Hicks


18.
If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches? ~Bill Hicks


19.
I'd…bet enthusiasm for 'ethnic cleansing' will wane if only sticks and rocks are available for the warring parties. ~Bill Hicks


20.
I…am an evolved being who deals solely with the source of light…in all of us in our own minds. No middleman required. ~Bill Hicks


21.
I, like all artists in Western cultures, am a shaman…come in the guise of a comic…to heal perception by using…'jokes'… ~Bill Hicks


22.
I wouldn't give Satan a snowball's chance in Hell against a woman's ego… ~Bill Hicks


23.
I was just down in Dallas, Texas…the Assassination Museum…it's really accurate, you know, 'cause Oswald's not in it. ~Bill Hicks


24.
I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: <smack smack smack smack> Hey, whatchoo readin' for? ~Bill Hicks


25.
I was in Australia….Lotta leg room down under. Apartments: dollar a month. 2000-acre den….think of the parties. ~Bill Hicks


26.
I was born William Melvin Hicks on December 16, 1961 in Valdosta, Georgia. Ugh–Melvin Hicks from Georgia. Yee Har! ~Bill Hicks


27.
I was always 'awake'…Some part of me clamoring for NEW insights and NEW ways to make the world a better place. ~Bill Hicks, Feb. 7, 1994


28.
I was a weekend drinker…I'd start on Saturday, end on Friday…thought I was controlling it…but I don't drink any more. ~Bill Hicks


29.
I used to love to call L.A. when I lived in New York…Is that the Big One I hear in the background? Bye you lizard scum! Bye! ~Bill Hicks


30.
I stole [Denis Leary’s] act. I camouflaged it with punchlines and, to really throw people off, I did it before he did. ~Bill Hicks


31.
I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fuckin' mouth. ~Bill Hicks


32.
I saw…a kid on a leash. You seen these people? Kid on a leash? How horrible. Put him in the pound where he belongs. ~Bill Hicks


33.
I love watching…that all-terrain Popemobile with the 3 ft of bulletproof Plexiglass around him. Boy, there's faith in action.~Bill Hicks


34.
I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side. ~Bill Hicks


35.
I love talking about Kennedy assassination…a great archetypal example of how totalitarian government…sorry, wrong meeting. ~Bill Hicks


36.
I left in love, in laughter and in truth, and wherever love, laughter and truth abide, I will be there in spirit. ~Bill Hicks


37.
I hope you know this; I think you do–all governments are lying cocksuckers. Hope you know that. Good. All right. ~Bill Hicks


38.
I have NEVER seen people on pot get in a fight- because it is fucking IMPOSSIBLE. – Hey buddy! 'Hey what?' Hey. 'Hey.' ~Bill Hicks


39.
I hate patriotism. I can't stand it, man. Makes me fucking sick. It's a round world last time I checked, OK? ~Bill Hicks


40.
I go to dance clubs…about once a year just to justify the other 364 days I spend in my apartment going 'God, what idiots!' ~Bill Hicks


41.
I dunno how much AIDS scares y'all, but I got a theory: the day they come out with a cure for AIDS, a guaranteed one-shot cure, on that day there's gonna be fucking in the streets, man. ~Bill Hicks


42.
I don't wanna pick it up, Mister, you'll shoot me. ~Bill Hicks


43.
I don't pretend to understand women's little quirks. Just one thing I know for sure, Chicks Dig Jerks. Ow! ~Bill Hicks


44.
I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out. ~Bill Hicks


45.
I don't identify with anyone historically, but there are several people in the future who I am a dead ringer for. ~Bill Hicks


46.
I don't get along with anything, I really don't…I'm, I'm, maybe I'm just a, you know, incredibly tasteful human being. ~Bill Hicks


47.
I don't drink, uh, I don't do drugs. I wanna thank management for offering, but… ~Bill Hicks


48.
I don't do drugs anymore… than say, the average touring funk band. ~Bill Hicks


49.
I don't care if you're obscene, filthy, horrendous — as long as you're honest. ~Bill Hicks


50.
I do not believe making money in order to consume goods is mankind's sole purpose on this planet. ~Bill Hicks


51.
I can't understand a word they say, yet we're all speaking English…they all sound like little birds tweeting to me. ~Bill Hicks on Brits


52.
I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage. ~Bill Hicks


53.
I believe we all have the Voice of Reason inside us…to gently lead us out of our own self-created hells… ~Bill Hicks


54.
I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. ~Bill Hicks


55.
I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution. OK, not the most popular idea ever expressed. Either that or you're all real high and agreeing with me in the only way you can right now. (Starts blinking) ~Bill Hicks


56.
I believe it is our own misperceptions of who we really are that leads to every self-created hell you'll find in this world. ~Bill Hicks


57.
I am available for children's parties, by the way…Beelzebozo, clown from Hell. It's in the phone book under 'B' and 'H'. ~Bill Hicks


58.
I am a misanthropic humanist….Do I like people? They're great, IN THEORY.'' ~Bill Hicks


59.
How many disapprove of Bush–70 percent…How many'll vote for him–70 percent…Where'd they take that poll? Some S+M parlor? ~Bill Hicks


60.
How come Keith Richards still walks? Explain that … You never hear the Surgeon General mention Keith, do ya? ~Bill Hicks


61.
Here's what causes sexual thoughts…having a dick…In the course of our day ANYTHING can cause a sexual fucking thought. ~Bill Hicks


62.
Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body – as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet? ~Bill Hicks


63.
Good evening. How are you tonight? Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to 'No Sympathy Night.' Welcome to 'You're Wrong Night'. ~Bill Hicks


64.
Good evening ladies and gentlemen. My name is William Melvin Hicks. Thanks Dad. ~Bill Hicks, Austin, Texas 1983


65.
Good comedy helps people know they're not alone. Great comedy provides an answer. ~Bill Hicks


66.
God has this…hobby. He creates perfection. This world is not perfect. We have to learn to separate illusions from reality. ~Bill Hicks


67.
Fundamentalist Christianity – fascinating. These people actually believe that the the world is 12,000 years old. Swear to God. Based on what? I asked them. ~Bill Hicks


68.
England, where no one has guns: 14 deaths. United States…23,000 deaths from handguns. But–there's no connection… ~Bill Hicks


69.
Dude, can I bum a cigarette from you, man? I'm trying to quit buying…50 years of smoking? You're giving me fucking hope! ~Bill Hicks


70.
Drugs that open your eyes…make you realize how you're being fucked every day of your life. Those drugs–are against the law. ~Bill Hicks


71.
Doesn't Rush Limbaugh remind you of one of those gay guys who likes to lay in a tub while other men pee on him? ~Bill Hicks


72.
Do I have a message? Yes, I do. Here's my message: as scary as the world is – and it is – it is merely a ride… ~Bill Hicks


73.
Do a commercial, you're off the artistic roll call, every word you say is suspect, you're a corporate whore and end of story. ~Bill Hicks


74.
Did you watch the flag-burning thing?…People were just 'Hey, buddy…My daddy died for that flag'…Really?…I bought mine. ~Bill Hicks


75.
Comedy is a double-edged sword; on 1 hand no 1 gives U any flak because…it's all a joke. On the other hand, it's not a joke. ~Bill Hicks


76.
Christianity's such an odd religion…eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love…Believe or die! ~Bill Hicks


77.
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children. ~Bill Hicks


78.
Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass. ~Bill Hicks


79.
By the way, if anyone here is in marketing or advertising … kill yourself. Thank you. Just planting seeds… ~Bill Hicks


80.
Blow up the arms dealers! How could that possibly help? Well…we'll save petrol. Our planes can drop their bombs on take-off. ~Bill Hicks


81.
Billy Ray Cyrus does not smoke. Michael Bolton doesn't…Paula Abdul doesn't…there does seem to be a pattern. ~Bill Hicks


82.
Been on what I call my Flying Saucer Tour–appearing in small Southern towns–in front of handfuls of hillbillies. ~Bill Hicks


83.
Audience participation…is limited to…answers to my questions, laughter, applause and a blowjob from all the women afterward~Bill Hicks


84.
Are gun rights advocates arguing that roving gangs…shooting innocent bystanders constitutes a 'well-regulated militia'? ~Bill Hicks


85.
And oh Scotland did praise the Lord. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. Thank you Lord. ~Bill Hicks


86.
And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus… with a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his friend. ~Bill Hicks


87.
And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O so many years inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat fucking families and their fat dollar bills. ~Bill Hicks


88.
All your beliefs, they're just that. They're nothing. They're how you were taught and raised. That doesn't make 'em real. ~Bill Hicks


89.
All day long you see those commercials: 'Here's Your Brain, Just Say No'…and the next commercial is: 'This Bud's For You.' ~Bill Hicks


90.
Alcohol kills more people than crack, coke and heroin combined…so thanks for inviting me to your little alcoholic drug den. ~Bill Hicks


91.
A psychedelic experience…does make you realize everything you learned is in fact just learned and not necessarily true. ~Bill Hicks


92.
A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant. ~Bill Hicks


93.
[Comedy] is an escape from illusions. The audience is…thinking, 'This bullshit we see and hear all day makes no sense.' ~Bill Hicks


94.
…There NEVER was a war. A war is when TWO armies are fighting. Right there I think we can all agree… ~Bill Hicks


95.
…Recording an album tonight and tomorrow…Don't worry. Funny material and laughter will be dubbed in later… ~Bill Hicks


96.
…love rather than fear…this radical philosophy is coming from me, an avowed misanthrope…surely there is hope for us all. ~Bill Hicks


97.
…Intelligence reports would come out 'Iraq–incredible weapons…' How do you know that? Uh–we looked at the receipt. ~Bill Hicks


98.
….All drugs should be legal. War is wrong. The rich get richer. The poor get poorer. Thank you. I'll be here all week. ~Bill Hicks

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