steven wright quotes
1.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. – steven wright
2.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. – steven wright
3.
The judge asked, What do you plead? I said, Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane? — Steven Wright
4.
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store… with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store… – steven wright
5.
The other day I … no wait, that wasn't me. – steven wright
6.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. – steven wright
7.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building…on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. — Steven Wright
8.
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, Tell me about some of the people who were here last year. – steven wright
9.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, “right here, officer”. Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all – steven wright
10.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. – steven wright
11.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. – steven wright
12.
The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.– Steven Wright
13.
The sky already fell. Now what? — Steven Wright
14.
The sky is falling…no, I'm tipping over backwards. — Steven Wright
15.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. – steven wright
16.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.. – steven wright
17.
The sun got confused about daylight savings. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows. – steven wright
18.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. — Steven Wright
19.
There aren't enough days in the weekend. — Steven Wright
20.
There is a thin line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. – steven wright
21.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. — Steven Wright
22.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. — Steven Wright
23.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices… in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air…– Stephen Wright
24.
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning…[picks up his glass of water from the stool]…I like to live on the edge… — Steven Wright
25.
This isn't all true. — Steven Wright
26.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors. — Steven Wright
27.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. – steven wright
28.
Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, Hello? and I said,Hello, could I speak to Joey?… They said, Uh… I don't think so…he's only 2 months old. I said, I'll wait. — Steven Wright
29.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, So. What did you think? – steven wright
30.
What a nice night for an evening. – steven wright
31.
What are imitation rhinestones? — Steven Wright
32.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice? – steven wright
33.
What's another word for thesaurus?— Steven Wright
34.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. – steven wright
35.
When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.– Stephen Wright
36.
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives. — Steven Wright
37.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.– Steven Wright
38.
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.– Stephen Wright
39.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.– Steven Wright
40.
When I was 8, I played little league. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge. – steven wright
41.
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually. – steven wright
42.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.I was an only child….eventually. — Steven Wright
43.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, Well, what do you need? — Steven Wright
44.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse. – steven wright
45.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. — Steven Wright
46.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, I want my daughter back by 8:15. I said, The middle of August? Cool! – steven wright
47.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.— Steven Wright
48.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I said, No, I made a few mistakes. — Steven Wright
49.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. – steven wright
50.
When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter. – steven wright
51.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories . – steven wright
52.
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in _exactly_ the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?– Stephen Wright
53.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? – steven wright
54.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? – steven wright
55.
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills? – steven wright
56.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?— Steven Wright
57.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity…If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook,you had to pull off a sweater real quick. — Steven Wright
58.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo… He got pretty good… He could go under a rug… – steven wright
59.
Women… can't live with 'em…… can't shoot 'em – steven wright
60.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts.They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough. — Steven Wright
61.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone…when I came back the entire area was missing…
62.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business. — Steven Wright
63.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, what for?– Steven Wright
64.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out. – steven wright
65.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it? — Steven Wright
66.
You know how it feels when you're leaning back on a chair, and you lean too far back, and you almost fall over backwards, but then you catch yourself at the last second? I feel like that all the time… – steven wright
67.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top,and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.– Steven Wright
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68.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. – steven wright
