Best 30 amazing steven wright quotes compilation

steven wright quotes

Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American comedian, actor and writer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations. (via:wikipedia)

1.
He was a multi-millionaire… Wanna know how he made all of his money? … He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in… – steven wright

2.
Hermits have no peer pressure. – steven wright

3.
He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain. – steven wright

4.
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? – steven wright

5.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?– Steven Wright

6.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there? – steven wright

7.
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer. – steven wright

8.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. – steven wright

9.
I bought a dog the other day…I named him Stay. It's fun to call him… Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. — Steven Wright

10.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there. – steven wright

11.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. — Steven Wright

12.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.– Steven Wright

13.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. — Steven Wright

14.
I bought some batteries… but they weren't included… so I had to buy them again… – steven wright

15.
I bought some dehydrated water, but I don't know what to add to it. – steven wright

16.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed… It wasn't the kind that folds. – steven wright

17.
I brought a mirror to Lovers’ Lane. I told everybody I’m Narcissus. – steven wright

18.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.— Steven Wright

19.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, Steven, time to go to sleep I said But I don't know how. She said, It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left. So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said I thought I told you to go to sleep. – steven wright

20.
I can't stop thinking like this. — Steven Wright

21.
I collect rare photographs… I have two… One of Houdini locking his keys in his car… the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. – steven wright

22.
I couldn't find the remote to the remote. – steven wright

23.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. – steven wright

24.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. — Steven Wright

25.
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this \//\\//\\//\. I go down to the pet store — Gimme another ten guppies I got a lotta calls yesterday. – steven wright

26.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. – steven wright

27.
I eat swiss cheese from the inside out. — Steven Wright

28.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.– Steven Wright

29.
I filled out an application that said, In Case Of Emergency Notify. I wrote Doctor… What's my mother going to do?– Stephen Wright

30.
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise. – steven wright