Amazing 36 steven wright quotes you must know

1.
I make my own water – two glasses of H, one glass of O. – steven wright

2.
I met her at Macy's. She was shopping… I was putting Slinky's on the escalator. – steven wright

3.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. — Steven Wright

4.
I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!– Steven Wright

5.
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open. — Steven Wright

6.
I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time. – steven wright

7.
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building…I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done. – steven wright

8.
I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone. – steven wright

9.
I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it. – steven wright

10.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds “amazing”. – steven wright

11.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh… — Steven Wright

12.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*. – steven wright

13.
I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. – steven wright

14.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet. — Steven Wright

15.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.– Steven Wright

16.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. It was supposed to be hot today.– Stephen Wright

17.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing Happy Birthday. – steven wright

18.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back. — Steven Wright

19.
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.– Stephen Wright

20.
I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much time.– Steven Wright

21.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day… He said 'Stephen, why haven't you called me…. I said, I can't call everyone I want… my (new) phone has no 'five' on it…. He said, How long have you had it?… I said, I don't know… my calendar has no 'seven's on it. – steven wright

22.
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.– Stephen Wright

23.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.– Stephen Wright

24.
I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired. — Steven Wright

25.
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, It's free with purchase. I asked her if anyone bought anything today.– Steven Wright

26.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.– Stephen Wright

27.
I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it. – steven wright

28.
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass. – steven wright

29.
I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends. – steven wright

30.
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.– Steven Wright

31.
I spilled spot remover on my dog…now he's gone. – steven wright

32.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter. – steven wright

33.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.I got a full house and four people died.– Steven Wright

34.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn'tsee any forests. — Steven Wright

35.
I took a baby shower. – steven wright

36.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.– Steven Wright