bill hicks quotes
(December 16, 1961 – February 26, 1994) was an American stand-up comedian, social critic, satirist and musician. His material, encompassing a wide range of social issues including religion, politics, and philosophy, was controversial, and often steeped in dark comedy.
1.
You're not a human till you're in my phone book. There. My hat is now in the political ring. ~Bill Hicks
2.
You're in a ballgame or a concert and someone's really violent and aggressive and obnoxious. Are they drunk or…smoking pot? ~Bill Hicks
3.
Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you. ~Bill Hicks
4.
You want a better world…? Legalize pot right now. …end the deficit? Legalize pot right now…biggest cash crop in America. ~Bill Hicks
5.
You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? Kinda like going up to Jackie O. with a rifle pendant on.~Bill Hicks
6.
You know what I think cruel is? Leaving your loved ones to die in some sterile hospital room–Fuck that! Put 'em in the movies!~Bill Hicks
7.
You know what I hate about working? Bosses…The very idea that ANYONE could be my boss, well…I think you see the conflict. ~Bill Hicks
8.
You know what Bill's doing now, he's going for the righteous indignation dollar, that's a big dollar, a lot of people are feeling that indignation, we've done research, huge market. He's doing a good thing. Godammit, I'm not doing that, you scumbags, quit putting a godamn dollar sign on every fucking thing on this planet! ~Bill Hicks
9.
You know the world is 12,000 years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point. ~Bill Hicks
10.
You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. I believe God created me in one day Yeah, looks liked He rushed it. ~Bill Hicks
11.
You all saw him – he had a gun. ~Bill Hicks
12.
Writing, acting, music, comedy. A deep love of literature and books. Thank God for all the artists who've helped me. ~Bill Hicks
13.
Would you let the aliens land, please? They might be here to pick me up. ~Bill Hicks
14.
Will there be titty? Sure. Boom! I'm a producer. Where you been all our life, boy? We been lookin for you in Hollywood. ~Bill Hicks
15.
Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn't the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit… unnatural? You know what I mean? It's nature. How do you make nature against the fucking law? ~Bill Hicks
16.
'Where's Bill going?' He's going to comedy death. Boom! He pops out of it with another joke. It's my particular style. ~Bill Hicks
17.
When you're…stepping over a guy on the sidewalk…does it ever occur to you to think, 'Wow. Maybe our system doesn't work?' ~Bill Hicks
18.
When you're high you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize…it's not worth the fuckin' effort. ~Bill Hicks
19.
What's gonna happen to the arms industry when we realize we're all One?…You can see why the government's cracking down. ~Bill Hicks
20.
What strikes me as funny about Elvis is that all the impersonators choose to do the Vegas Elvis, not the young, cool guy… ~Bill Hicks
21.
What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion?… ~Bill Hicks
22.
What before seemed a…frustrating wall, the comic deftly and fearlessly steps through, proving the absurdity of it all. ~Bill Hicks
23.
'We're rock stars who do Pepsi Cola commercials!'…Suckin' Satan's pecker. Suck it! It's only your dignity. Suck it! ~Bill Hicks
24.
Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years. ~Bill Hicks
25.
Well how fucking scientific, okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble. That's good. You believe the world's 12,000 years old? ~Bill Hicks
26.
We really are All One….this is the very philosophy that has kept me virtually anonymous in America for fifteen years. ~Bill Hicks
27.
We killed 6 innocent people, launching 22, I think $3 million apiece missiles on Baghdad…that's a little bit overdoing it. ~Bill Hicks
28.
We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution. ~Bill Hicks
29.
We are one with God and He loves us. Now if that isn't a hazard to this country–How're we gonna keep building nuclear weapons?~Bill Hicks
30.
We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free. ~Bill Hicks
31.
Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye. ~Bill Hicks
32.
'Warning: Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth.'…Found MY brand! Just don't get the ones that say 'lung cancer.'~Bill Hicks
33.
Waitress comes over to me: 'What you readin' for?' I said…I guess I read…so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress!~Bill Hicks
34.
Truly, the only stupid people I've ever met, the most absolutely clueless, are the very people that produce television. ~Bill Hicks
35.
To me pornography is…spending all your money and not educating the people in America, but spending it instead on weapons. ~Bill Hicks
36.
To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a mistake. ~Bill Hicks
37.
This is your brain. I've seen a lot of weird shit on drugs. I have never ever ever ever EVER looked at a fucking egg and thought it was a brain. ~Bill Hicks
38.
This is the idea that has made me…an anonymous figure in America…If you have children here tonight…they are NOT special.~Bill Hicks
39.
They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just
realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference. ~Bill Hicks
40.
There's too many fucking people in the world. Quit rutting. Let's work out this food/air deal. Then go back to your rutting. ~Bill Hicks
41.
There's a Living God who will talk directly fuckin' to you…not thru the pages of the Bible that forgot to mention dinosaurs! ~Bill Hicks
42.
There it is, My creation. Perfect and holy…Oh my, Me!…I left fucking pot everywhere…Now I have to create Republicans. ~Bill Hicks
43.
There is a 3rd point of view on the gun control issue–those who I refer to as THE VICTIMS–but they remain strangely silent…~Bill Hicks
44.
There ain't no one out there who's a fucking threat to us, OK?…Oh, I'm talking now only of countries we don't arm first. ~Bill Hicks
45.
The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too? ~Bill
Hicks
46.
The Voice of Reason is in us all…and everyone can recognize it because it makes sense and everyone benefits from it equally. ~Bill Hicks
47.
The puppet on the right shares my beliefs, the puppet on the left is more to my liking. Hey…there's one guy holding up both! ~Bill Hicks
48.
The musicians today who don't do drugs and in fact speak out against it? Rock Against Drugs? BOY do they suck. ~Bill Hicks
49.
The CIA has a plot…they've used before to get rid of world leaders. Only problem…is convincing Hussein…to fly to Dallas. ~Bill Hicks
50.
That's what I'm gonna do: quit gradually…I'm gonna lose one lung; little while later I'm gonna lose the other one. ~Bill Hicks
51.
That's starting to depress me about UFOs. The fact that they cross galaxies…and always end up in places like Fyfe, Alabama. ~Bill Hicks
52.
Surgeon General's warning ought to read: Smoking has been determined t0 cause cancer, heart disease & rednecks with seniority. ~Bill Hicks
53.
Sometimes my dad even gets on this kick–'You hate this country'….I have to tell him…I just hate being lied to. ~Bill Hicks
54.
So scary watching the news…Like Iraq…could ever under any stretch of the imagination be any threat to us whatsoever. ~Bill Hicks 1992
55.
Sixteen years I've pounded my head against the mentality of America, which…I'd say it's about an 8th grade emotional level. ~Bill Hicks
56.
Shut up! Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control. Here's Love Connection. Watch this and get fat and stupid. ~Bill Hicks
57.
See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of A., the United States of America. But actually we live in the U.S. of A., the United States of Advertising. Freedom of expression is guaranteed? If you've got the money! ~Bill Hicks
58.
Rock stars hawking Diet Cokes–are demons set loose on the Earth to lower the standards for the perfect & holy children of God!~Bill Hicks
59.
Rock stars against drugs–that's what we want, isn't it? Government-approved rock-n-roll? Woo! We're partying now! ~Bill Hicks
60.
Pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thoughts…Sounds like almost every commercial on TV to me.~Bill Hicks
61.
People suck and that's my contention. I can prove it on scratch paper and a pen … We're a virus with shoes. OK? ~Bill Hicks
62.
People say Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world. Yeah, maybe, but you know what, after the first 3 largest armies, there's a REAL big fucking drop-off. The Hare Krishnas are the 5th largest army in the world, and they've already got all our airports. ~Bill Hicks
63.
People ask me what I think about that woman priest thing. What, a woman priest? Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to. ~Bill Hicks
64.
People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting? Guy said, Way-ul, we didn' wanna be
ab-duc-ted. If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction. ~Bill Hicks
65.
People always snap and think they're Jesus. How come no one ever snaps and thinks they're Buddha? ~Bill Hicks
66.
Our next Cold War ought to be with ourselves…After all, who poses the biggest danger to the American environment? We do. ~Bill Hicks
67.
One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I've been adding on to
for years. ~Bill Hicks
68.
On we traveled till the Earth was just a dot…and we were on our way to our NEW life and NEW HAPPINESS. ~Bill Hicks, December 1993
69.
Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready? ~Bill Hicks
70.
Oh–won't we party hard when L.A. goes kersplash?…L.A. fell in the ocean?… There is a God. He loves us all so much. ~Bill Hicks
71.
'Oh, childbirth is such a miracle.'…Wrong!…A miracle's raising a kid who doesn't talk in a fucking movie theater. ~Bill Hicks
72.
Oh my God. Lift me up out of this illusion, Lord. Heal my perception that I might know only reality and only you. ~Bill Hicks
73.
Nonsmokers–this is for you and you only. Ready? Nonsmokers die every day. Sleep tight. ~Bill Hicks
74.
Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that's why you giggle the first hour. ~Bill Hicks
75.
Mummy, I woke today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer! … That's the story of Jesus. ~Bill Hicks
76.
Mister, I don't want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, Mister. ~Bill Hicks
77.
McDonald's, it'll supply 40 new jobs there in Moscow. Yeah, 20 dentists and 20 heart specialists. It's shit. Don't eat it. ~Bill Hicks
78.
Marijuana grows naturally…Don't you think making nature against the law seems a bit, I don't know, unnatural? ~Bill Hicks
79.
Man, the Beatles were so high, they let Ringo sing a coupla tunes. Tell me they weren't partyin'. ~Bill Hicks
80.
Let's figure out this food/air deal, OK? 'K. I'm just weird, you know? How about have a neat world for kids to come TO? ~Bill Hicks
81.
Let's do some comedy. I always like to add some comedy to my show. Those who've seen me before might know that. ~Bill Hicks
82.
Let me assure you right now: there are dick jokes on the way. ~Bill Hicks
83.
Laughter makes the bitter swallowing of truth, for some, a little easier. ~Bill Hicks
84.
Jesus–murdered. Martin Luther King–murdered. Gandhi–murdered. Malcolm X–murdered. Reagan–wounded. ~Bill Hicks
85.
I've had seven balls of light come off a UFO…explain to me telepathically we are all one and there's no such thing as death. ~Bill Hicks
86.
I've had good times on drugs…bad times on drugs…But I've had good and bad relationships…and I'm not giving up pussy. ~Bill Hicks
87.
It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me…oxygen tent, iron lung. ~Bill Hicks
88.
It's really weird how your life changes. Tonight I'm drinking water. Four years ago? Opium. Night and day, you know? ~Bill Hicks
89.
It's not that I disagreed with Bush's economic policy… I believed he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet… ~Bill Hicks
90.
It's my object to be stared at like a dog that's just been shown a card trick. ~Bill Hicks
91.
It's just a ride and we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money, a choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your door, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. ~Bill Hicks
92.
It's hard to have a relationship in this business…it's gonna take a very special woman…or a bunch of average ones. ~Bill Hicks
93.
It's great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I've been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough
through this shit one more time. ~Bill Hicks
94.
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious. ~Bill Hicks
95.
It has become more and more obvious that there is one political party in America, and that is The Business Party. ~Bill Hicks
96.
Isn't that the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I readING, but what am I reading *for*? Well, godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I read?
Well… hmmm… I dunno… I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one is so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress. ~Bill Hicks
97.
Is it my business if somebody wants to burn a flag?…No, it's not…That's called logic and it'll help us all evolve… ~Bill Hicks
98.
Is it impossible to imagine Americans sneaking into Mexico en masse, seeking regular employment and a better way of life? ~Bill Hicks
99.
In Australia…they celebrate Easter the same…by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit…left chocolate eggs in the night~Bill Hicks
100.
Improv–what a fucking morgue! ~Bill Hicks
