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bill hicks quotes

(December 16, 1961 – February 26, 1994) was an American stand-up comedian, social critic, satirist and musician. His material, encompassing a wide range of social issues including religion, politics, and philosophy, was controversial, and often steeped in dark comedy.

bill hicks quotes
You're not a human till you're in my phone book. There. My hat is now in the political ring. ~Bill Hicks

You're in a ballgame or a concert and someone's really violent and aggressive and obnoxious. Are they drunk or…smoking pot? ~Bill Hicks

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you. ~Bill Hicks

You want a better world…? Legalize pot right now. …end the deficit? Legalize pot right now…biggest cash crop in America. ~Bill Hicks

You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? Kinda like going up to Jackie O. with a rifle pendant on.~Bill Hicks

You know what I think cruel is? Leaving your loved ones to die in some sterile hospital room–Fuck that! Put 'em in the movies!~Bill Hicks

You know what I hate about working? Bosses…The very idea that ANYONE could be my boss, well…I think you see the conflict. ~Bill Hicks

You know what Bill's doing now, he's going for the righteous indignation dollar, that's a big dollar, a lot of people are feeling that indignation, we've done research, huge market. He's doing a good thing. Godammit, I'm not doing that, you scumbags, quit putting a godamn dollar sign on every fucking thing on this planet! ~Bill Hicks

You know the world is 12,000 years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point. ~Bill Hicks

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. I believe God created me in one day Yeah, looks liked He rushed it. ~Bill Hicks

You all saw him – he had a gun. ~Bill Hicks

Writing, acting, music, comedy. A deep love of literature and books. Thank God for all the artists who've helped me. ~Bill Hicks

Would you let the aliens land, please? They might be here to pick me up. ~Bill Hicks

Will there be titty? Sure. Boom! I'm a producer. Where you been all our life, boy? We been lookin for you in Hollywood. ~Bill Hicks

Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn't the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit… unnatural? You know what I mean? It's nature. How do you make nature against the fucking law? ~Bill Hicks

'Where's Bill going?' He's going to comedy death. Boom! He pops out of it with another joke. It's my particular style. ~Bill Hicks

When you're…stepping over a guy on the sidewalk…does it ever occur to you to think, 'Wow. Maybe our system doesn't work?' ~Bill Hicks

When you're high you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize…it's not worth the fuckin' effort. ~Bill Hicks

What's gonna happen to the arms industry when we realize we're all One?…You can see why the government's cracking down. ~Bill Hicks

What strikes me as funny about Elvis is that all the impersonators choose to do the Vegas Elvis, not the young, cool guy… ~Bill Hicks

What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion?… ~Bill Hicks

What before seemed a…frustrating wall, the comic deftly and fearlessly steps through, proving the absurdity of it all. ~Bill Hicks

'We're rock stars who do Pepsi Cola commercials!'…Suckin' Satan's pecker. Suck it! It's only your dignity. Suck it! ~Bill Hicks

Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years. ~Bill Hicks

Well how fucking scientific, okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble. That's good. You believe the world's 12,000 years old? ~Bill Hicks

We really are All One….this is the very philosophy that has kept me virtually anonymous in America for fifteen years. ~Bill Hicks

We killed 6 innocent people, launching 22, I think $3 million apiece missiles on Baghdad…that's a little bit overdoing it. ~Bill Hicks

We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution. ~Bill Hicks

We are one with God and He loves us. Now if that isn't a hazard to this country–How're we gonna keep building nuclear weapons?~Bill Hicks

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free. ~Bill Hicks

Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye. ~Bill Hicks

'Warning: Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth.'…Found MY brand! Just don't get the ones that say 'lung cancer.'~Bill Hicks

Waitress comes over to me: 'What you readin' for?' I said…I guess I read…so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress!~Bill Hicks

Truly, the only stupid people I've ever met, the most absolutely clueless, are the very people that produce television. ~Bill Hicks

To me pornography is…spending all your money and not educating the people in America, but spending it instead on weapons. ~Bill Hicks

To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a mistake. ~Bill Hicks

This is your brain. I've seen a lot of weird shit on drugs. I have never ever ever ever EVER looked at a fucking egg and thought it was a brain. ~Bill Hicks

This is the idea that has made me…an anonymous figure in America…If you have children here tonight…they are NOT special.~Bill Hicks

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just 

realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference. ~Bill Hicks

There's too many fucking people in the world. Quit rutting. Let's work out this food/air deal. Then go back to your rutting. ~Bill Hicks

There's a Living God who will talk directly fuckin' to you…not thru the pages of the Bible that forgot to mention dinosaurs! ~Bill Hicks

There it is, My creation. Perfect and holy…Oh my, Me!…I left fucking pot everywhere…Now I have to create Republicans. ~Bill Hicks

There is a 3rd point of view on the gun control issue–those who I refer to as THE VICTIMS–but they remain strangely silent…~Bill Hicks

There ain't no one out there who's a fucking threat to us, OK?…Oh, I'm talking now only of countries we don't arm first. ~Bill Hicks

The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too? ~Bill 


The Voice of Reason is in us all…and everyone can recognize it because it makes sense and everyone benefits from it equally. ~Bill Hicks

The puppet on the right shares my beliefs, the puppet on the left is more to my liking. Hey…there's one guy holding up both! ~Bill Hicks

The musicians today who don't do drugs and in fact speak out against it? Rock Against Drugs? BOY do they suck. ~Bill Hicks

The CIA has a plot…they've used before to get rid of world leaders. Only problem…is convincing Hussein…to fly to Dallas. ~Bill Hicks

That's what I'm gonna do: quit gradually…I'm gonna lose one lung; little while later I'm gonna lose the other one. ~Bill Hicks

That's starting to depress me about UFOs. The fact that they cross galaxies…and always end up in places like Fyfe, Alabama. ~Bill Hicks

Surgeon General's warning ought to read: Smoking has been determined t0 cause cancer, heart disease & rednecks with seniority. ~Bill Hicks

Sometimes my dad even gets on this kick–'You hate this country'….I have to tell him…I just hate being lied to. ~Bill Hicks

So scary watching the news…Like Iraq…could ever under any stretch of the imagination be any threat to us whatsoever. ~Bill Hicks 1992

Sixteen years I've pounded my head against the mentality of America, which…I'd say it's about an 8th grade emotional level. ~Bill Hicks

Shut up! Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control. Here's Love Connection. Watch this and get fat and stupid. ~Bill Hicks

See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of A., the United States of America. But actually we live in the U.S. of A., the United States of Advertising. Freedom of expression is guaranteed? If you've got the money! ~Bill Hicks

Rock stars hawking Diet Cokes–are demons set loose on the Earth to lower the standards for the perfect & holy children of God!~Bill Hicks

Rock stars against drugs–that's what we want, isn't it? Government-approved rock-n-roll? Woo! We're partying now! ~Bill Hicks

Pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thoughts…Sounds like almost every commercial on TV to me.~Bill Hicks

People suck and that's my contention. I can prove it on scratch paper and a pen … We're a virus with shoes. OK? ~Bill Hicks

People say Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world. Yeah, maybe, but you know what, after the first 3 largest armies, there's a REAL big fucking drop-off. The Hare Krishnas are the 5th largest army in the world, and they've already got all our airports. ~Bill Hicks

People ask me what I think about that woman priest thing. What, a woman priest? Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to. ~Bill Hicks

People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting? Guy said, Way-ul, we didn' wanna be 

ab-duc-ted. If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction. ~Bill Hicks

People always snap and think they're Jesus. How come no one ever snaps and thinks they're Buddha? ~Bill Hicks

Our next Cold War ought to be with ourselves…After all, who poses the biggest danger to the American environment? We do. ~Bill Hicks

One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I've been adding on to 

for years. ~Bill Hicks

On we traveled till the Earth was just a dot…and we were on our way to our NEW life and NEW HAPPINESS. ~Bill Hicks, December 1993

Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready? ~Bill Hicks

Oh–won't we party hard when L.A. goes kersplash?…L.A. fell in the ocean?… There is a God. He loves us all so much. ~Bill Hicks

'Oh, childbirth is such a miracle.'…Wrong!…A miracle's raising a kid who doesn't talk in a fucking movie theater. ~Bill Hicks

Oh my God. Lift me up out of this illusion, Lord. Heal my perception that I might know only reality and only you. ~Bill Hicks

Nonsmokers–this is for you and you only. Ready? Nonsmokers die every day. Sleep tight. ~Bill Hicks

Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that's why you giggle the first hour. ~Bill Hicks

Mummy, I woke today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer! … That's the story of Jesus. ~Bill Hicks

Mister, I don't want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, Mister. ~Bill Hicks

McDonald's, it'll supply 40 new jobs there in Moscow. Yeah, 20 dentists and 20 heart specialists. It's shit. Don't eat it. ~Bill Hicks

Marijuana grows naturally…Don't you think making nature against the law seems a bit, I don't know, unnatural? ~Bill Hicks

Man, the Beatles were so high, they let Ringo sing a coupla tunes. Tell me they weren't partyin'. ~Bill Hicks

Let's figure out this food/air deal, OK? 'K. I'm just weird, you know? How about have a neat world for kids to come TO? ~Bill Hicks

Let's do some comedy. I always like to add some comedy to my show. Those who've seen me before might know that. ~Bill Hicks

Let me assure you right now: there are dick jokes on the way. ~Bill Hicks

Laughter makes the bitter swallowing of truth, for some, a little easier. ~Bill Hicks

Jesus–murdered. Martin Luther King–murdered. Gandhi–murdered. Malcolm X–murdered. Reagan–wounded. ~Bill Hicks

I've had seven balls of light come off a UFO…explain to me telepathically we are all one and there's no such thing as death. ~Bill Hicks

I've had good times on drugs…bad times on drugs…But I've had good and bad relationships…and I'm not giving up pussy. ~Bill Hicks

It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me…oxygen tent, iron lung. ~Bill Hicks

It's really weird how your life changes. Tonight I'm drinking water. Four years ago? Opium. Night and day, you know? ~Bill Hicks

It's not that I disagreed with Bush's economic policy… I believed he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet… ~Bill Hicks

It's my object to be stared at like a dog that's just been shown a card trick. ~Bill Hicks

It's just a ride and we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money, a choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your door, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. ~Bill Hicks

It's hard to have a relationship in this business…it's gonna take a very special woman…or a bunch of average ones. ~Bill Hicks

It's great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I've been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough 

through this shit one more time. ~Bill Hicks

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious. ~Bill Hicks

It has become more and more obvious that there is one political party in America, and that is The Business Party. ~Bill Hicks

Isn't that the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I readING, but what am I reading *for*? Well, godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? 

Well… hmmm… I dunno… I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one is so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress. ~Bill Hicks

Is it my business if somebody wants to burn a flag?…No, it's not…That's called logic and it'll help us all evolve… ~Bill Hicks

Is it impossible to imagine Americans sneaking into Mexico en masse, seeking regular employment and a better way of life? ~Bill Hicks

In Australia…they celebrate Easter the same…by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit…left chocolate eggs in the night~Bill Hicks

Improv–what a fucking morgue! ~Bill Hicks

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