A list of the funny sarcasm quotes and sayings

A list of the funny sarcasm quotes and sayings

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What are some of the best sarcastic quotations?Just take these hilarious sarcastic responses for example.

“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.” — Fred Allen


“A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking” — Anonymous


“A good listener is usually thinking about something else.” — Kin Hubbard


“A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.” — Sir Winston Churchill


“A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility.” — Lawrence G. Lovasik 


“Adam was human; he didn't want the apple for the apple's sake;he wanted it because it was forbidden.” — Mark Twain


“After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.” — P. J. O'Rourke


“Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse” — Groucho Marx. 


“An admiring lady to Yogi Berra after a game: You certainly look cool. His answer: Thanks. You don't look so hot yourself.” — Anonymous


“Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.” — Leo Rosten (in reference to W. C. Fields)


“As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' — probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.” — Woody Allen


“Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood.” — Cal Thomas


“At times, it's better to keep your mouth shut and let people wonder if you’re a fool than to open it and remove all their doubt.” —  James Sinclair


“Avoid sarcasm. Don't insist on the last word.” — Ford Frick 


“'Be yourself !' is about the worst advice you can give to some people.” — Tom Masson, American humorist and editor


“Blows are sarcasm's turned stupid. ” — George Eliot 


“Do you have an inferiority complex?If not, you should have, because you are” — Anonymous


“Don’t be so humble — you are not that great.” — Golda Meir


“Don't look back — something might be gaining on you.” — Satchel Paige


“Drive slow and enjoy the scenery, drive fast and join the scenery.”


“Earlier, people used to rest after a whole day's work. Now, they need to exercise.” — Anonymous


“Everybody  is clever nowadays. You can't go anywhere without meeting clever  people. This has become an absolute public nuisance.” — Oscar Wilde


“For your information, I would like to ask a question” — Samuel Goldwyn.


“Freud is the father of Psychoanalysis. It has no mother.” — Greer Germaine


“Gandhi (the movie) was everything the voting members of the Academy would like to be: moral, tan, thin.” — Joe Morgenstern


“Government is like junior high. Your status depends upon whom you're able to persecute.” — Jonathan Kellerman


“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family, in another city” — George Burns. 


“Have no fear of perfection — you'll never reach it.” — Salvador Dali


“He had delusions of adequacy.” — Walter Kerr


“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” — Winston Churchill


“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” — William Faulkner


“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” — Oscar Wilde


“He has Van Gogh's ear for music.” — Billy Wilder.


“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” — John Bright


“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” — Paul Keating


“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.” — Groucho Marx


“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” — Andrew Lang


“He was happily married – but his wife wasn't.” — Victor Borge


“Help keep Britain beautiful. Stay in your house today.” — Anonymous


“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” — Mae West


“History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.” — Abba Eban


“Honesty is the best policy — when there is money in it.” — Mark Twain


“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” — A. Whitney Brown


“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.” — Oscar Wilde


“I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't like?” — Jean Cocteau


“I can resist everything except temptation.” — Oscar Wilde


“I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.” — Oscar Wilde


“I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” — Mark Twain


“I don't hate people. I just feel better when they aren't around.”  ― Charles Bukowski


“I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.” — Victor Borge


“I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.” — Stephen Bishop         

“I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.” — Janeane Garofalo


“I had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.” — Groucho Marx. 


“I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.” — Oscar Wilde


“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” — Clarence Darrow


“I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.” — Ronald Reagan


“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” — Fred Allen


“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.” — Groucho Marx


“If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse” — Woody Allen


“If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame” — Anonymous


“If your plan A doesn't work, don't worry. The alphabet has 25 more letters.” — Anonymous


“If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.” — Billy Wilder


“I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.” — Frank Lloyd Wright


“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” — Charles, Count Talleyrand


“It is better to be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.” — Mark Twain


“It's a catastrophic success” — Stephen Bishop


“It's always darkest before its turns absolutely pitch black” — Paul Newman


“It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.” — Will Rogers


“It's hard to get fired from the government. You have to, like, kill people.” — Wanda Sykes


“I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.” — Irvin S. Cobb


“Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.” — Benny Hill


“Life is like a roller coaster, and I'm about to throw up” — Anonymous


“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” — Steven Wright


“Love your enemies.. it pisses them off” — Anonymous


“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” — Groucho Marx


“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” — Groucho Marx


“Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.” — Aldous Huxley


“Me fail English? That's unpossible!” — Ralph Wiggum


“Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.” — Oscar Wilde


“My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” — Buddy Hackett


“Neither irony nor sarcasm is argument.” — Rufus Choate 


“One of the hardest things to imagine is that you are not smarter than average.” — Jonathan Fuerbringer


“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.” — Albert Einstein


“Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.” — Groucho Marx


“Reader, suppose you were an idiot.And suppose you were a member of congress. But, I repeat myself. ” — Mark Twain.


“Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? Good times.” — Anonymous


“Sarcasm helps me overcome the harshness of the reality we live, eases the pain of scars and makes people smile” — Mahmoud Darwish 


“Sarcasm I now see to be, in general, the language of the devil; for which reason I have long since as good as renounced it.” — Thomas Carlyle 


“Sarcasm is the last refuge of the imaginatively bankrupt.” — Cassandra Clare 


“Sarcasm the body's natural defense against stupidity.” — Author Unknown 


“Sarcasm was usually lost on imbeciles.” — Sherrilyn Kenyon 


“Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.” — Fyodor Dostoevsky 


“She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon” — Groucho Marx.


“She is a peacock in everything but beauty” — Oscar Wilde


“She's all dressed up like a well-kept grave.” — W. C. Fields


“Some sarcasm is best told simply.” — Kevin Hart 


“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” — Ashleigh Brilliant


“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.” — Seinfeld


“Stay with me; I want to be alone” — Joey Adams


“Thank God I don't have to act with you anymore! Oh, I didn't know you ever had.” — John Barrymore responding to Katherine Hepburn


“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.” — Moses Hadas


“That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.” — Homer Simpson


“The internet is replete with falsified quotations.” — Abraham Lincoln


“The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights.” — J Paul Getty


“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation, but not the power of speech.” —  George Bernard Shaw.


“The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative” — Winston Churchill.


“Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.” — Emo Phillips


“Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students” — Anonymous


“War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.” — Bertrand Russell


“We are all worms, but I do believe I am a glowworm” — Winston Churchill.


“We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.” — Anonymous


“We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience” — George Bernard Shaw.


“We've got to quit comparing men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal.” — Wanda Sykes


“What are some good, funny, sarcastic answers for are you single?  You'd say : Depends on you.” — Anonymous


“What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a very good idea.” — Mahatma Gandhi. 


“What I claim is to live to the full the contradiction of my time, which may well make sarcasm the condition of truth.” — Roland Barthes 


“When dealing with sarcastic people, prescribe them the same course of medicine but with a stronger dosage” — Author Unknown 


“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” — Mark Twain.


“Work through lunch? You don't even work through work.” — Anonymous


“Would you like to be the sun of my life ?    -Yes     Good, then stay 9,955,887.6 miles away from me.” — Anonymous


“Would you mind repeating the part where you weren't talking?” — Anonymous


“You had to learn at a certain age what sarcasm is, you know?” — Penny Marshall 


“You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It's really funny.” — Brandon Sanderson 


“You're never too old to learn something stupid.” — Anonymous

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