A large collection of hilarious and great Groucho Marx quotes

A large collection of hilarious and great Groucho Marx quotes

groucho marx quotes


Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx was an American comedian and film and television star. He was known as a master of quick wit and widely considered one of the best comedians of the modern era.

Groucho Marx was another funny man of history.here are his best jokes and quotes.There are a couple of great quotes from Groucho Marx, most of them are humorous or sarcastic.


 

  • “A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “A man is only as old as the woman he feels.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “A moose is an animal with horns on the front of his head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “All people are born alike — except Republicans and Democrats.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age. ” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Are you going to believe me, or what you see with your own eyes?” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Before I speak, I have something important to say.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Bury me next to a straight man.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Do you mind if I don’t smoke?” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. ” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Go, and never darken my towels again.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Humor is reason gone mad.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there. ” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “I have nothing but respect for you — and not much of that.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “I intend to live forever, or die trying.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “I must admit, I was born at an early age.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON’T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member. ” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty. ” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. ” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “I’ve been looking for a girl like you – not you, but a girl like you.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.” — groucho marx quotes 

 

  • “I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.” — groucho marx quotes 

 

  • “Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.” — groucho marx quotes 

 

  • “Marriage is a wonderful institution…but who wants to live in an institution?” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.” — groucho marx quotes 

 

  • “Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “My mother loved children — she would have given anything if I had been one.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early.” — groucho marx quotes 

 

  • “No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife. ” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men–the other 999 follow women.” — groucho marx quotes 

 

  • “Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse. ” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. ” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. ” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.” — groucho marx quotes 

 

  • “She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of ones fellow man.” — groucho marx quotes 

 

  • “There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says yes” you know he is a crook.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Those are my principles, and if you don't like them… well, I have others.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Time wounds all heels.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Whatever it is, I'm against it.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.” — groucho marx quotes 

 

  • “While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.” — groucho marx quotes


 

  • “Who are you going to believe, me or your lying eyes?” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference.” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!” — groucho marx quotes

 

  • “Why, look at me. I’ve worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.” — groucho marx quotes

 

“Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.” — groucho marx quotes 

 

“Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it.” — groucho marx quotes

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