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funny inspirational quotes
You must pay for your sins.If you have already paid, please ignore this notice.- Sam Levenson
You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.- Sam Levenson
You might as well fall flat on your face as lean over too far backward. – James Thurber
You grow up the day you have your first real laugh – at yourself.- Ethel Barrymore
You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.- Jack London
You can't have everything. Where would you put it? – Steven Wright
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. — Franklin P. Jones
You are getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them. –Unknown
Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.- Anonymous
Whoever said, ‘It’s not whether you win or lose that counts,’ probably lost. – Martina Navratilova
When you're out of willpower you call on stubbornness, that's the trick.- Henri Matisse
When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. – Henny Youngman
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. – Cathy Guisewite
When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.– Winston Churchill
When I hear someone sigh that life is hard, I am tempted to ask, ‘compared to what?'- Sydney Harris
What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say. — Ralph Waldo Emerson
Well-behaved women seldom make history. – Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
We’re always bluffing, pretending we know best, when most of the time we’re just praying we won’t screw up too badly.- Jodi Picoult, House Rules
We don't stop playing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop playing. – George Bernard Shaw
Try to be like the turtle – at ease in your own shell. – Bill Copeland
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them… well, I have others.– Groucho Marx
Think like a man of action, and act like a man of thought. – Henri L. Bergson
There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want. – Bill Watterson
There is more to life than increasing its speed. – M. K. Gandhi
There is a dearth of mirth on the earth. – Bill Nelson
There has been much tragedy in my life; at least half of it actually happened.– Mark Twain
There are two ways to pass a hurdle: leaping over or plowing through… There needs to be a monster truck option.- Jeph Jacques
There are no traffic jams along the extra mile. – Roger Staubach
There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.- Mark Twain
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.- Franklin P. Jones
The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent upon it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.- Galileo Galilei
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.– George Bernard Shaw
The shortest distance between two points is under construction. – Noelie Alito
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces. – Will Rogers
The reason so few people are successful is no one has yet found a way for someone to sit down and slide uphill. — W. Clement Stone
The most important thing is not to stop questioning. – Albert Einstein
The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for. – Maureen Dowd
The greatest thief this world ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.– Henry Wheeler Shaw
The difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist laughs to forget but a pessimist forgets to laugh. – Tom Bodett
Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.– Anon
Some people walk in the rain. Others just get wet. — Roger Miller
Some people develop a wishbone where their back bone should be.- Anonymous
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.– Oscar Wilde
Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone. — Gladys Berthe Stern
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.– Albert Einstein
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.– Albert Einstein
People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing. – Will Rogers
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. – A.A. Milne
People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily. -Zig Ziglar
Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead. — Bill Mcglashen
Opportunity is always knocking. The problem is that most people have the self-doubt station in their heads turned up way too loud to hear it.- Brian Vaszily
Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. -Kyle Chandler
One thing you will probably remember well is any time you forgive and forget.- Franklin P. Jones
Never, ever, EVER give up! Unless there's something good on TV.- Buster Guru
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. – Mark Twain
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. – Isaac Asimov
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.- Napoleon Bonaparte
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room. – Winston Churchill
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. – Dave Barry
My life has been filled with terrible misfortune; most of which never happened. – Montaigne
Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so. – Bertrand Russell
Money won't make you happy … but everybody wants to find out for themselves. – Zig Ziglar
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. — Woody Allen
Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions. — Woody Allen
Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. — Oprah Winfrey
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce. – Unknown
Life is like photography. You need the negatives to develop. – Unknown
Life is like a ten-speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.- Charles Schulz
Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. – Tom Lehrer
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. – Voltaire
Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.- Helen Rowland
Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.- Dwight Eisenhower
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. -Victor Borge
Laughter is an instant vacation. -Milton Berle
Laughter is a weapon of mass construction. – Kat Caverly
Jeod shrugged. "Not anymore. I'm afraid I've degenerated into a bibliophile.” ― Christopher Paolini, Eragon
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.- Henny Youngman
It's okay to look at the past and the future. Just don't stare.- Anonymous
It's good to shut up sometimes.- Marcel Marceau
It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.- Franklin P. Jones
It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question. – Eugene Ionesco Decouvertes
It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips. – Fred Allen
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is.- Chuck Reid
If you're going through hell, keep going. – Winston Churchill
If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big. – Donald Trump
If you’re going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now. – Marie Osmond
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? – George Carlin
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. – Dalai Lama
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.- Mark Twain
If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck. – Elvis Presley
If you fall, I’ll always be there. – The Floor
If you end up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it. – Frank Zappa
If you don't know how to die, don't worry; Nature will tell you what to do on the spot, fully and adequately. She will do this job perfectly for you; don't bother your head about it. – Montaigne
If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much. – Unknown
If you are afraid of being lonely, don't try to be right. – Jules Renard
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?– Unknown
If at first you don't succeed, think how many people you've made happy.– H. Duane Black
I’ll probably never fully become what I wanted to be when I grew up, but that’s probably because I wanted to be a ninja princess. – Cassandra Duffy
I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.– Tom Lehrer
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.- Mark Twain
I realized I was officially a professional writer when all my plans began with “drink coffee” and ended with “take a nap. – cassandra Duffy
I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell.- Harry S Truman
I know worrying works, because none of the stuff I worried about ever happened.- Will Rogers
I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.- Yogi Berra
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright
I have a simple philosophy: Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches. – Alice Roosevelt Longworth
I had the blues because I had no shoes until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet. — Denis Waitley
I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.– Groucho Marx
I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. – Benjamin Franklin
I cannot afford to waste my time making money. – Louis Agassiz
I believe in the discipline of silence, and could talk for hours about it.– George Bernard Shaw
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.- Oscar Wilde
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. — Woody Allen
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.- Mark Twain
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin
Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted. – Martin Luther King, Jr.
Hope is the dream of the waking man. – Aristotle
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.- Franklin P. Jones
Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you’re alive it isn’t. – Richard Bach
Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history.- George Bernard Shaw
Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat.- Harry Emerson Fosdick
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. – Albert Einstein
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.– David Rosam
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. – La Rochefoucald
Give me a stock clerk with a goal and I'll give you a man who will make history. Give me a man with no goals and I'll give you a stock clerk. – J.C. Penney
Follow your dreams, except for the one where you're naked in church.- Rev. David Ault
Focus, focus, focus! What am I, a telescope?! – Naruto Uzumaki
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions. – Unknown
Families are like fudge… mostly sweet with a few nuts. — Author Unknown
Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor. – Truman Capote
Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. – Will Rogers
Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes.- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
Edison failed 10, 000 times before he made the electric light. Do not be discouraged if you fail a few times. – Napoleon Hill
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.– Ahmad
Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today. – James Dean
Don't wait for a light to appear at the end of the tunnel, stride down there and light the bloody thing yourself.– Sara Henderson
Don't mind your make-up, you'd better make your mind up.- Frank Zappa
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. — Mark Twain
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia. – Charles Schulz
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing ’til it gets there. – Josh Billings
Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous- Albert Einstein
Change is not a four letter word… but often your reaction to it is! -Jeffrey Gitomer
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.– Robert Frost
Anyone who takes himself too seriously always runs the risk of looking ridiculous; anyone who can consistently laugh at himself does not.- Vaclav Havel
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. – Mark Twain
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. — Mark Twain
Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.- Mark Twain
A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks. — Charles Gordy
A smile confuses an approaching frown. — Author Unknown
A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs — jolted by every pebble in the road.– Henry Ward Beecher
A peacock that rests on his feathers is just another turkey.- Dolly Parton
A good time for laughing is when you can.- Jessamyn West
A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure. – Unknown
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh – at yourself.”- Ethel Barrymore
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.”― Franklin P. Adams
“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.” -Albert Einstein
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”- Lane Olinghouse
“The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.” -Albert Einstein
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”-Paul Reiser
“Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched.” ― Mindy Kaling
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” – Dale Carnegie
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” -Zig Ziglar
“Never trust a man with a penis.” ― Darynda Jones
“Man has will… but woman has her way.” –Unknown
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”― Bette Davis
“If laughter is the best medicine, let's OD together.” ― Michael P. Clutton
“I’m 59 and people call me middle aged. How many 118 year old men do you know?” -Barry Cryer
“I used to believe my father about everything but then I had children myself & now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”― Brian Andreas
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”-David Frost
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo…on your face. You better be committed.”- Eat Pray Love screenplay
“God helps those who strut their stuff.” ― Dan Sofer, A Love and Beyond
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”― P.J. O’Rourke
“A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often” -Oliver Herford