A large collection of funny inspirational quotes,all about funny inspirational quotes

A large collection of funny inspirational quotes,all about funny inspirational quotes

funny inspirational quotes

funny inspirational quotes

You must pay for your sins.If you have already paid, please ignore this notice.- Sam Levenson

You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.- Sam Levenson

You might as well fall flat on your face as lean over too far backward. – James Thurber

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh – at yourself.- Ethel Barrymore

You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.- Jack London

You can't have everything. Where would you put it? – Steven Wright 

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. — Franklin P. Jones

You are getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them. –Unknown

Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.- Anonymous

Whoever said, ‘It’s not whether you win or lose that counts,’ probably lost. – Martina Navratilova

When you're out of willpower you call on stubbornness, that's the trick.- Henri Matisse

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. – Henny Youngman

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. – Cathy Guisewite

When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.– Winston Churchill

When I hear someone sigh that life is hard, I am tempted to ask, ‘compared to what?'- Sydney Harris

What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say. — Ralph Waldo Emerson

Well-behaved women seldom make history. – Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

We’re always bluffing, pretending we know best, when most of the time we’re just praying we won’t screw up too badly.- Jodi Picoult, House Rules

We don't stop playing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop playing. – George Bernard Shaw

Try to be like the turtle – at ease in your own shell. – Bill Copeland

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them… well, I have others.– Groucho Marx

Think like a man of action, and act like a man of thought. – Henri L. Bergson

There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want. – Bill Watterson

There is more to life than increasing its speed. – M. K. Gandhi

There is a dearth of mirth on the earth. – Bill Nelson

There has been much tragedy in my life; at least half of it actually happened.– Mark Twain

There are two ways to pass a hurdle: leaping over or plowing through… There needs to be a monster truck option.- Jeph Jacques

There are no traffic jams along the extra mile. – Roger Staubach

There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.- Mark Twain

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.- Franklin P. Jones

The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent upon it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.- Galileo Galilei

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.– George Bernard Shaw

The shortest distance between two points is under construction. – Noelie Alito

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces. – Will Rogers

The reason so few people are successful is no one has yet found a way for someone to sit down and slide uphill. — W. Clement Stone

The most important thing is not to stop questioning. – Albert Einstein

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for. – Maureen Dowd

The greatest thief this world ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.– Henry Wheeler Shaw

The difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist laughs to forget but a pessimist forgets to laugh. – Tom Bodett

Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.– Anon

Some people walk in the rain. Others just get wet. — Roger Miller

Some people develop a wishbone where their back bone should be.- Anonymous

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.– Oscar Wilde

Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone. — Gladys Berthe Stern

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.– Albert Einstein

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.– Albert Einstein

People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing. – Will Rogers

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. – A.A. Milne

People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily. -Zig Ziglar

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead. — Bill Mcglashen

Opportunity is always knocking. The problem is that most people have the self-doubt station in their heads turned up way too loud to hear it.- Brian Vaszily

Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. -Kyle Chandler

One thing you will probably remember well is any time you forgive and forget.- Franklin P. Jones

Never, ever, EVER give up! Unless there's something good on TV.- Buster Guru

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. – Mark Twain

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. – Isaac Asimov

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.- Napoleon Bonaparte

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room. – Winston Churchill

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. – Dave Barry

My life has been filled with terrible misfortune; most of which never happened. – Montaigne

Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so. – Bertrand Russell

Money won't make you happy … but everybody wants to find out for themselves. – Zig Ziglar

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. — Woody Allen

Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions. — Woody Allen

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. — Oprah Winfrey

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce. – Unknown

Life is like photography. You need the negatives to develop. – Unknown

Life is like a ten-speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.- Charles Schulz

Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. – Tom Lehrer

Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. – Voltaire

Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.- Helen Rowland

Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.- Dwight Eisenhower

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. -Victor Borge

Laughter is an instant vacation. -Milton Berle

Laughter is a weapon of mass construction. – Kat Caverly

Jeod shrugged. "Not anymore. I'm afraid I've degenerated into a bibliophile.” ― Christopher Paolini, Eragon

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.- Henny Youngman

It's okay to look at the past and the future. Just don't stare.- Anonymous

It's good to shut up sometimes.- Marcel Marceau

It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.- Franklin P. Jones

It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question. – Eugene Ionesco Decouvertes

It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips. – Fred Allen

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is.- Chuck Reid

If you're going through hell, keep going. – Winston Churchill

If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big. – Donald Trump

If you’re going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now. – Marie Osmond

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? – George Carlin

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. – Dalai Lama

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.- Mark Twain

If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck. – Elvis Presley

If you fall, I’ll always be there. – The Floor

If you end up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it. – Frank Zappa

If you don't know how to die, don't worry; Nature will tell you what to do on the spot, fully and adequately. She will do this job perfectly for you; don't bother your head about it. – Montaigne

If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much. – Unknown

If you are afraid of being lonely, don't try to be right. – Jules Renard

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?– Unknown

If at first you don't succeed, think how many people you've made happy.– H. Duane Black

I’ll probably never fully become what I wanted to be when I grew up, but that’s probably because I wanted to be a ninja princess. – Cassandra Duffy

I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.– Tom Lehrer

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.- Mark Twain

I realized I was officially a professional writer when all my plans began with “drink coffee” and ended with “take a nap. – cassandra Duffy

I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell.- Harry S Truman

I know worrying works, because none of the stuff I worried about ever happened.- Will Rogers 

I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.- Yogi Berra

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches. – Alice Roosevelt Longworth

I had the blues because I had no shoes until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet. — Denis Waitley

I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.– Groucho Marx

I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. – Benjamin Franklin

I cannot afford to waste my time making money. – Louis Agassiz

I believe in the discipline of silence, and could talk for hours about it.– George Bernard Shaw

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.- Oscar Wilde

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. — Woody Allen

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.- Mark Twain

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin

Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted. – Martin Luther King, Jr.

Hope is the dream of the waking man. – Aristotle

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.- Franklin P. Jones

Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you’re alive it isn’t. – Richard Bach

Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history.- George Bernard Shaw

Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat.- Harry Emerson Fosdick

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. – Albert Einstein

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.– David Rosam

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. – La Rochefoucald

Give me a stock clerk with a goal and I'll give you a man who will make history. Give me a man with no goals and I'll give you a stock clerk. – J.C. Penney

Follow your dreams, except for the one where you're naked in church.- Rev. David Ault

Focus, focus, focus! What am I, a telescope?! – Naruto Uzumaki

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions. – Unknown

Families are like fudge… mostly sweet with a few nuts. — Author Unknown

Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor. – Truman Capote

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. – Will Rogers

Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes.- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

Edison failed 10, 000 times before he made the electric light. Do not be discouraged if you fail a few times. – Napoleon Hill

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.– Ahmad

Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today. – James Dean

Don't wait for a light to appear at the end of the tunnel, stride down there and light the bloody thing yourself.– Sara Henderson

Don't mind your make-up, you'd better make your mind up.- Frank Zappa 

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. — Mark Twain

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia. – Charles Schulz

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing ’til it gets there. – Josh Billings

Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous- Albert Einstein

Change is not a four letter word… but often your reaction to it is! -Jeffrey Gitomer

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.– Robert Frost

Anyone who takes himself too seriously always runs the risk of looking ridiculous; anyone who can consistently laugh at himself does not.- Vaclav Havel

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. – Mark Twain 

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. — Mark Twain

Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.- Mark Twain

A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks. — Charles Gordy

A smile confuses an approaching frown. — Author Unknown

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs — jolted by every pebble in the road.– Henry Ward Beecher

A peacock that rests on his feathers is just another turkey.- Dolly Parton

A good time for laughing is when you can.- Jessamyn West

A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure. – Unknown

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin

“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh – at yourself.”- Ethel Barrymore

“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.”― Franklin P. Adams

“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.” -Albert Einstein

“The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”- Lane Olinghouse 

“The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.” -Albert Einstein

“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”-Paul Reiser

“Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched.” ― Mindy Kaling

“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” – Dale Carnegie

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” -Zig Ziglar

“Never trust a man with a penis.” ― Darynda Jones

“Man has will… but woman has her way.” –Unknown

“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”― Bette Davis

“If laughter is the best medicine, let's OD together.” ― Michael P. Clutton

“I’m 59 and people call me middle aged. How many 118 year old men do you know?” -Barry Cryer

“I used to believe my father about everything but then I had children myself & now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”― Brian Andreas

“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”-David Frost

“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo…on your face. You better be committed.”- Eat Pray Love screenplay

“God helps those who strut their stuff.” ― Dan Sofer, A Love and Beyond

“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”― P.J. O’Rourke

“A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often” -Oliver Herford

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