A compilation of best 60 funny quotes and sayings

A compilation of best 60 funny quotes and sayings

A compilation of best 60 funny quotes and sayings


1.
Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So lets all get wasted and have the time of our lives! – Author Unknown


2.
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.- Dave Barry


3.
Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!- Frank


4.
Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad. ~P.D. East


5.
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun. ~ Woody Allen 


6.
Man was predestined to have free will. ~Hal Lee Luyah


7.
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce. – Author Unknown


8.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.- Aldous Huxley


9.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. – Author Unknown


10.
Murphy was an optimist. ~O'Toole's Commentary


11.
My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes. 

~Douglas Adams


12.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.- Woody Allen


13.
One of the check-out counters had a sign that said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les. – Author Unknown


14.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.- Albert Einstein


15.
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.-A. Whitney Brown


16.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. – Author Unknown


17.
Remember: 'i' before 'e', except in Budweiser. – Author Unknown


18.
Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker. ~From the movie Naked


19.
Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. ~H.L. Mencken


20.
She was what we used to call a suicide blond ? dyed by her own hand. ~Saul Bellow


21.
She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. ~Mae West


22.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.- Fletcher Knebel


23.
Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.- Mark Knopfler.


24.
Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created." – Author Unknown


25.
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.- W. C. Fields.


26.
The chicken came first ? God would look silly sitting on an egg. ~Author Unknown


27.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.- Jon Hammond


28.
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.- Walter Bagehot


29.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. Now, the guy who invented the other three… he was the genius. – Author Unknown


30.
The key is not to think of death as an end. But think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses. ~ Woody Allen


31.
The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away. ~Tom Waits, Small Change


32.
The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train. – Author Unknown


33.
The Next Time You Think You're Perfect, Try Walking On Water – Author Unknown


34.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.- Salvador Dali


35.
The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. ~Nicholas Chamfort


36.
The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good. ~Robert Graves


37.
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't. ~Douglas Adams


38.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. ~Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes


39.
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind ? a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house. ~Woody 

Allen


40.
There are secrets I will take to the grave and others I'd feel safer having cremated. ~Robert Brault


41.
There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a penciling. ~Robert Brault


42.
There's no such thing as fun for the whole family. ~Jerry Seinfeld


43.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. ~ Louis Hector Berlioz 


44.
To make things simple…let's automatically assume that everything I say is right. – Author Unknown


45.
Today is the last day of some of your life. ~Author Unknown


46.
Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday. – Author Unknown


47.
Two thirds of Americans can't do fractions. The other half, just don't care. – Author Unknown


48.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice? – Author Unknown


49.
When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football. ~Author Unknown


50.
When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.- Stephen Wright.


51.
When you come to a fork in the road, take it!- Yogi Berra


52.
When you're run down the best thing to take is the license number. – Author Unknown


53.
Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers.- Frank King


54.
Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years. ~Author Unknown


55.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?- Mork, Mork and Mindy


56.
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? – Author Unknown


57.
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? – Author Unknown


58.
Without geography, you're nowhere. ~Author Unknown


59.
You can observe a lot by just watching.- Yogi Berra


60.
You can't have everything… where would you put it? ~Steven Wright

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