56 steven wright quotes

steven wright quotes

steven wright quotes

1.
I'm a peripheral visionary. – steven wright


2.
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads. – steven wright


3.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes… — Steven Wright


4.
I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths. – steven wright


5.
I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice> – steven wright


6.
I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing. – steven wright

 

7.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.– Stephen Wright

 

8.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. – steven wright


9.
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. – steven wright

 

10.
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above…so I never have to go upstairs. — Steven Wright


11.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, Cut it out. — Steven Wright

 

12.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period.Every crime ends with a sentence. — Steven Wright


13.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. – steven wright

14.
Is tired old cliche one? — Steven Wright


15.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. – steven wright

16.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. – steven wright

17.
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows. — Steven Wright


18.
It’s a fine night to have an evening. – steven wright


19.
It’s a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they’d just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. – steven wright


20.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it. – steven wright

 

21.
It's a fine night to have an evening. — Steven Wright


22.
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.– Stephen Wright


23.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. – steven wright


24.
I've been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.— Steven Wright


25.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. – steven wright


26.
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates… When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?' – steven wright

27.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. — Steven Wright


28.
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me. – steven wright

 

29.
Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier… I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out. – steven wright

 

30.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.– Stephen Wright


31.
Last year we drove across the country…We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip… I don't remember what it was… – steven wright


32.
Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?— Steven Wright


33.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow. – steven wright

 

34.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. – steven wright


35.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. – steven wright


36.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. — Steven Wright


37.
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides. – steven wright


38.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreocookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments. — Steven Wright


39.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.– Stephen Wright

40.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors.The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. — Steven Wright


41.
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs. — Steven Wright


42.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old. – steven wright


43.
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper. – steven wright


44.
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, the whole time. – steven wright


45.
My girlfriend asked me if I slept well. I said no, I made a couple mistakes. – steven wright

 

46.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.– Stephen Wright


47.
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know? I said, No. She said, Okay, forget it. – steven wright


48.
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me. — Steven Wright


49.
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912… well, to make a long story short…– Stephen Wright

 

50.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them. — Steven Wright

 

51.
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.– Stephen Wright


52.
My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” – steven wright

 

53.
My neighbor has a circular driveway…he can't get out. — Steven Wright

 

54.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. — Steven Wright


55.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, I'm not naked, I'm in the band. – steven wright


56.
My secret to staying young: Having no sense of time. – steven wright

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