56 steven wright quotes

steven wright quotes

steven wright quotes

I'm a peripheral visionary. – steven wright

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads. – steven wright

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes… — Steven Wright

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths. – steven wright

I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice> – steven wright

I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing. – steven wright


I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.– Stephen Wright


I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. – steven wright

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. – steven wright


In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above…so I never have to go upstairs. — Steven Wright

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, Cut it out. — Steven Wright


In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period.Every crime ends with a sentence. — Steven Wright

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. – steven wright

Is tired old cliche one? — Steven Wright

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. – steven wright

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. – steven wright

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows. — Steven Wright

It’s a fine night to have an evening. – steven wright

It’s a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they’d just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. – steven wright

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it. – steven wright


It's a fine night to have an evening. — Steven Wright

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.– Stephen Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. – steven wright

I've been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.— Steven Wright

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. – steven wright

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates… When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?' – steven wright

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. — Steven Wright

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me. – steven wright


Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier… I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out. – steven wright


Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.– Stephen Wright

Last year we drove across the country…We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip… I don't remember what it was… – steven wright

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?— Steven Wright

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow. – steven wright


Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. – steven wright

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. – steven wright

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. — Steven Wright

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides. – steven wright

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreocookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments. — Steven Wright

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.– Stephen Wright

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors.The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. — Steven Wright

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs. — Steven Wright

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old. – steven wright

My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper. – steven wright

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, the whole time. – steven wright

My girlfriend asked me if I slept well. I said no, I made a couple mistakes. – steven wright


My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.– Stephen Wright

My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know? I said, No. She said, Okay, forget it. – steven wright

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me. — Steven Wright

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912… well, to make a long story short…– Stephen Wright


My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them. — Steven Wright


My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.– Stephen Wright

My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” – steven wright


My neighbor has a circular driveway…he can't get out. — Steven Wright


My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. — Steven Wright

My school colors were clear. We used to say, I'm not naked, I'm in the band. – steven wright

My secret to staying young: Having no sense of time. – steven wright

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