40 steven wright quotes compilation

steven wright quotes,40 steven wright quotes compilation

1.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. — Steven Wright

2.
I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all. – steven wright

 

3.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open. — Steven Wright

4.
I got a new dog; he's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything 'cause he's not sure what I threw him.— Steven Wright

5.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one — it wasn't doing what I was doing.– Stephen Wright

 

6.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.— Steven Wright

7.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly]………and says 'Here, you can go.' – steven wright

8.
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.' – steven wright

9.
I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, Why'd you run that stop sign? I said, Because I don't believe everything I read. – steven wright

10.
I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, Hello, Information. I said, I can't find my socks. She said,They're behind the couch. And they were! — Steven Wright

11.
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back… boy, were they mad! – steven wright

12.
I had a friend who was a clown… when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car…– Stephen Wright

13.
I had amnesia once or twice. — Steven Wright

14.
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it.Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.– Steven Wright

15.
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology… the study of milkmen. – steven wright

 

16.
I had my coathangers spayed. — Steven Wright

17.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.– Stephen Wright

18.
I had to stop driving my car for a while…the tires got dizzy…– Stephen Wright

 

19.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.– Stephen Wright

20.
I have a hobby…I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it…– Stephen Wright

21.
I have a map of the United States… actual size. It says, Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile. I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. – steven wright

 

22.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house…The other night I relaxed in front of the fire for the evening in ten minutes. – steven wright

 

23.
I have a switch in my apartment……it doesn't do anything……Every once in a while, I turn it on and off……One day I got a call……it was from a woman in France…….she said 'Cut it out'……

 

24.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. — Steven Wright

25.
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. – steven wright

26.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you've seen it…. – steven wright

 

27.
I have two very rare photographs.One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.– Steven Wright

 

28.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. — Steven Wright

 

29.
I installed a skylight in my apartment…The people who live above me are furious! — Steven Wright

30.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – steven wright

 

31.
I invented the cordless extension cord. — Steven Wright

32.
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. – steven wright

33.
I just redecorated my appartment. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall… just so nobody would know – steven wright

 

34.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.– Steven Wright

35.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings…Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire. — Steven Wright

36.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice. – steven wright

37.
I lost a button hole. – steven wright

38.
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, Have you got anything I'd like? Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, Extra medium.– Stephen Wright

39.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes. — Steven Wright

40.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.– Stephen Wright